Edward Cullen wants to be inside of you… ewww

It's like he is my own personal brand of cocaine.

Does this picture do something for you? Do you find yourself running your sausage like fingers down your quivering thighs, trembling as they slowly make their way past that empty Dorito’s bag, tub of cake frosting and undigested cat food pieces, only to realize your imagination craves more? No…demands more?

Well fret no more my socially awkward sugar monkeys! Tantrus Direct has heard your Indigo Girls flavored calls and has the goods to  make your fantasy a sick and lonely reality.

Introducing the Tantrus Vamp, a dildo with shimmering skin, made to mimic the ultra heterosexual rainbow faggotry of Mr. Cullen himself. Yes, that’s right. You too could soon find yourself spending less time on Vampire Wars and more time passed out in your futon, furious stabbing your peash with a vampiric vibrator.

Hold tight spider monkey

I am sure that months of furious diddling with book in hand, has all but destroyed what little imagination you once had. Never to fear, Tantrus is here to deliver once more with this stunning video, showcasing the high quality workmanship of your new best friend.

Now, if you are like me and feel that major purchases are best made after doing proper research, then let me set your heart at east. Just listen to this customer feedback, which is sadly not of my doing. Seriously… someone wrote this.

OMG! I LOVE the Twilight Series so much! This dildo is great because one minute I shut my eyes and pretend I am screwing Edward with his cold, sparkling, marble cock; then the next, I warm it up and pretend Jacob is doing me from behind [you know, DOGGY STYLE! LOLZ!!!] I have multiples because sometimes I like to pretend they are both ravishing my body at the same time. Also, I like to tie them to my cats and pretend they are were-vamp-kitties! I just wish a balls were included with the shaft, so that Edward and Jacob could take turns tea-bagging me…another good idea is to hold your hand in ice water for a bit, and then you can act like Edward is giving you a donkey punch as well!

This is just all so hot! Fie on this blog, I intent on purchasing this excellent product and burying it deep within my loins.

Yes… my loins.

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