AMA recap. Yeah, like you give a shit.

In what ended up being a glorified crotch thrusting fuck-o-rama, the 2009 American Music Awards finished fisting America with a glam dazzled, flim frazzled moment of, “Wait, what?”.

I spent the evening watching the television event with my mother, only because I had heard Janet Jackson was going to be opening and even that performance left me a little unfulfilled. I really wanted her opening act to be amazing, because I am a huge Janet fan, but it seemed to fall short. It wasn’t a bad performance and the woman can still dance and entertain like few in her field, but it felt slightly lacking in totality. I believe the final song she g was off of her upcoming album, which was probably the lowest point of the routine. More All4U damn it!

OK enough of that faggotry and on to the rest of the night.

I am not a huge follower of pop culture, so I don’t know much about what teenagers think is cool, but if tonights line up was any indication of it, America is fast becoming a zombie nation of tightly covered vaginas and staggeringly gay looking male back up dancers. Now there is nothing “wrong” with looking gay of course, just as there is supposedly nothing “wrong” with being black, but I think it’s safe to say it’s not a good look. The picture below illustrates the nights performances perfectly.

"I have a freakishly long neck, but I come in peace." -- "What?, Where am I? Gandalf?"

Let’s start this adventure with the best performances of the night, at least this way your brain knows some pleasure, before it becomes inundated with the overpowering feeling of shititude that the night continued to offer.

Lady Gaga

On second glance, she is NOT wearing turkey ribs on her body. However, the girl behind her IS rubbing her butt on that mirror.

Lady Gaga is going to become the Andy Kaufman of our generation, whether for better or worse. I will admit that I did not understand Lady Gaga when I first saw her, but I have convinced myself she is not so much a pop star as she is a performance artist. I happen to know she is also very talented and has an impressive vocal range, as evident by the video below. I am not a big fan of this Lover’s Revenge song, or whatever it’s called, but it’s catchy and the bastard is still bouncing around in my head. I thought her outfit was bizarre and entertaining as usual and happened to enjoy that she looked like she was covered in Ace bandages. I also thank her for not shoving her peash in my face like most everyone else had during the night.

Janet Jackson

Janet’s performance, while not my favorite was still enjoyable to watch. I already went into enough detail about the highs and lows of it, but watch it yourself. I SAID WATCH IT!

Alicia Keys

Alicia Keys and Jay-Z were great. I happen to love Empire State of Mind and as usual, her voice was beautiful. Jay-Z brought it like he always does and they complemented each other nicely. This was one of my favorite performances of the night.

"Did you see Adam Lambert?" "Holy shit, yes. What was that?"

Alicia Keys and Jay-Z performing “Empire State of Mind”.

Nelly Furtado, Timberland, Soshy

Nelly Furtado, Timberland and something called a “Soshy” came out and performed “Morning After Dark”. The performance wasn’t bad and the song is catchy enough, although I don’t really care for it. Being that it’s Timberland, I didn’t expect a great performance as much as I did a good song. I do love Nelly Furtado though, so her appearance knocked it over the line for me.

Kelly Clarkson

Kelly Clarkson is a talented singer and we all know it, but what makes her even more unique is that she didn’t feel the need to shove her peash into my face all night, while singing about giving it to me or sticking something up me. The song was beautiful, her voice was flawless and she looked great. I don’t have much else to say, but bravo Kelly.

…like she reads this blog… what a dumb faggot.

That’s about it for memorable performances, in the sense that I am using the word memorable as a positive. Oh snap!

Let’s move on to the train wrecks, the awkward and the “What the hell is this crap?”

The Crap of the night

Jennifer Lopez

"Is that bitch in the back still laughing at me for falling?"

Jennifer Lopez… I will say this. I was surprised to see she was still around. I was under the impression she had agreed to a silent and unpublished exit from music. I happened to enjoy her first two CD’s and some of her first handful of songs were great. I hadn’t seen her around in a while, so when she showed up on stage I thought, “Oh  great, she is lost. This is going to be awkward.” I couldn’t have been more correct.

Her song was pretty craptacular, but the real fun came when she fell flat on her butt in the performance. It was edited out during the west coast broadcast, but you know I have your back. I wont embed the actual performance here, but here is the fall. It’s nothing hilarious, but it’s far more entertaining than her Rocky Balboa song.

She also reminded me of Dot Matrix from Space Balls

John Candy is dead.

Ok I lied. Here is her performance.

She falls.

Whitney Houston

Whitney, Whitney, Whitney…. I am sad to say this, but I think it’s over. The song, something about beating back the beast of crack, was about as boring as a Sarah Palin read a thon. There were no notes that seemed to reach beyond her limited range and she did more “talk singing” than actual sing singing. I don’t remember much, except thinking, “I hope she says something about Bobby Brown and then dives into the crowd like a crazed drunk.” I had conceived myself that her massive diamond earrings were priovindg her with an IV of liquid cocaine, but alas it seemed to have been morphine. I know that beating drugs is a big deal and blah blah blah and I am glad she has her life together, but the old Whitney is gone.

I was hoping to see this…

Instead, we got this.

Rhianna

I really enjoy Rhianna and most of her songs have a great beat and are catchy. I know she is young and she is trying to find out her place in all of this, but tonights performance looked like she had been turned into a lesbian robot with a personal vendetta against my ears. I don’t know what that song was about, but it reminded me of the Matrix except none of us  had the chance to take the other pill.

Alicia Keys

Alicia Keys performed a second time during the night and carried on with the ‘Look at my vagina” them of the night. She wore a perfectly placed silver locket that drew your eyes to the peash and I couldn’t stop looking. The only time I noticed I wasn’t looking at her vagina, was when I thought some rapist had climbed the brick wall she was dancing by, in a snaky attempt to mug her. It was really awkward and looked creepy.

It probably didn’t help that she starts the performance out with a video of her propelling herself into the sky with purple fart dust. That could  just be me though.

Shakira

I was a HUGE Shakira fan when she was still singing her Colombian music. Ojos Asi and “Tu” are some of my favorite songs of all time. Sadly, like most musicians that get to big, she has become plastic crap. First of all, she looks like she is starving, if she really is a she wolf than someone needs to get the pack of McDonald’s. She sang some horrible song about, well I don’t have any idea honestly, I wasn’t listening after the first few seconds. All I can remember is a catchy clap track played over someone playing an 8 bit video game system. The dancing was entertaining, but the song had no soul or passion. She might as well have been singing about her car insurance or her vagina.

The Black Eyed Peas

The Black Eyed Peas…. eh. For some reason I have the feeling that Will.I.Am takes himself too seriously and while this song isn’t bad, I think the Black Eyed Peas get far too much attention, especially considering I felt Kings of Leon should have beaten them out. Feel free to watch the video below and disagree with me, and by “disagree”, I mean shut up.

Carrie Underwood

Apparently Carrie Underwood is someone real and she sings something called country music. Whatever that is. Carrie came out in some tight gold granny panties, once again carrying the, “look at my peash” theme of the night. I am all for open and free sexuality, but it seems that our country and music industry can’t do anything anymore unless it involves thrusting crotches and skin tight assholes. The entire night was just one big flesh factory and I couldn’t stop myself from wondering what the hell a Carrie Underwood was and why I was supposed to want to see her in gold spandex.

Adam Lambert

Adam Lambert was probably the most disappointing performance of the night, just because I expected so much from him. He sang a song about entertaining you, which couldn’t have been more ironic. Unless of course he meant entertainment in the sense that I find it entertaining when I see children with diabetes walking through the grocery store with arm fulls of candy and sweets. For the record, I DON’T find that entertaining… most of the time.

Adam had a chance to really take a great step forward at the start of his career, instead he just ran around singing some god awful song that was not created for his voice or his genre. Meanwhile, men and woman gyrated around him and he awkwardly pretending to be unbiased on sexuality by fondling some chicks crotch. I did however, find it awesome that he kissed some guy on stage and plenty of fundie are flipping out about this. If the performance and song had been good, then I am sure this would have gotten him the same attention Britney and Madonna received when they locked lips. However, the whole piece was gaudy and busy, just short of being horrible.

He did fall at some point during the performance, or at least looked like he did. That was pretty fun. Check out the performance below and decide for yourself.

If you watch this clip, they play the “trip” in slow motion. It’s hard to tell if it was planned or if it was an accident, but it seems to be an accident. Whatever the case, he recovered like a professional, so if it was an accident, good on ya Adam. NOW GIVE ME MY 3 MINUTES BACK!

All in all this was a pretty blase night of “musical acts”. Green Day did something near the end and for Green Day they seemed pretty uninterested in being there. Although, I have to say they looked damn good for their age. As usual, they are great musicians, but Billy missed a rather noticeable note at the end and there was a moment of awkwardness. Eh, no one is perfect. Eminem did something as well, but I had decided that he died a few years back, so when he came out on the stage in that same tired swagger, my mind convinced me I had traveled back in time and was watching MTV in a dimension where MTV played music, in the hopes that I wouldn’t go crazy from seeing a supposed dead person live, on stage.

Was that a run on sentence?

Oh yeah, Michael Jackson won a bunch of awards for dying.