Scottish shoot lasers at presidential heads. Indians shed a single tear.

The Scottish have developed a laser imaging technique in which they fire lasers at something and then something else happens, then BAM, fully lifelike computerized models of said object. After reading the article, this is what I have picked up so far.

“‘Long have the Americans out lasered us with their laser like laserness. Today, I, McFinigan of the Scots have developed a new type of laser that will shoot a laser at things in which we direct it. When the laser strikes said object, it will be all like, “ouch” and we will be all like, “Shut up, thing, it’s time you felt the power of the Scottish army” and then it will say, “But Scotland doesn’t have an army” to which I will reply, “Fuck you, FIRE LASERS!”‘

Now, I have been told that I don’t read that smart and often times spell complicated words with numbers and crudely sketched images of turtles riding other turtles, but that is beside the point. Read further and discover the useless gift of being able to understand scientific bullshit.

In an era of computer animation, with gamers navigating virtual universes at the click of a mouse, making laser scans of old monuments may not sound special, but the Scottish team has achieved some unprecedented levels of sophistication with their models. Through scanning, the experts can conjure up what objects looked like ages ago, in effect turning the clock back on ancient sites. They can simulate the effects of climate change, urban encroachment or other natural or man-made disasters on those same sites, peering into the future.

Given a proposal for a new building in a city like Edinburgh, they can also create virtual realities, almost microscopically accurate, so viewers might see what the building looks like from all angles in the place where it’s intended to go, including the shadows it might cast at different times of day.

The technology isn’t brand new or unique to Scotland, but the Glasgow team is on its cultural front line. Douglas Pritchard, a Canadian-born architect by training, is the wizard behind the Digital Design Studio at the art school. He heads the Scottish laser expedition with David Mitchell, director of Historic Scotland’s Technical Conservation Group. Describing how fast laser modeling has progressed and how far it might soon go, Mr. Pritchard said, “We’re no longer a million miles from the ‘Star Trek’ holodeck.”

He was perfectly serious.

Forget about stem cells or cancer, what we really need is holodecks! Now, I am sure some of you will poo poo this idea and come back with some nonsense about children or some other crap, but think of this. If we could all live in a fully interactive hologram, we wouldn’t need real children. Plus, in a hologram based economy, beating children wouldn’t be a crime, because you could just reboot them, erasing all evidence and digital guilt.

Don’t act like you have never wanted to beat your children, lest I remind you that lying is a sin.

Crap, I have forgotten the original intent of this post. Oh yes!

Scotland is preparing to attack our monuments with laser canons and there is little we can do. Sucks to be us.