Janet is bald and the hot chubby won American Idol

So, I didn’t follow American Idol this season, or really any season before this one, but I know enough about the show to see when it’s dead on arrival. First of all, the season had no exciting or outgoing singers, everyone looked like they were singing for a commercial about Valium and hairy armpits. The female singer, Barbara Stanwick, or whatever her name was, was the best singer of the two, so I have no idea how that chubby hottie won.

I have a thing for slightly attractive chubby guys, shut up.

Ok I will admit that in the picture above he looks like he just got done saying, “I did run out of toilet paper, so I just used my shirt and pieces of  my beard instead.  I am pretty sure we’re all good.”

As my mom and I watched all of the back patting and horribly written jokes, we couldn’t stop laughing in horror at just how bad the show was getting. I won’t even go into detail about how horribly Lee sang his victory song. He turned a Coldplay song into a melody that could have been played over cat pornography, with the intention of getting cats to “le fuck.” I will give him some leniency, considering he was probably overwhelmed that he had just beaten out Jewel as the winner, but still. Suck it up!

The highlight of the night!? The end. However Janet did make an appearance and she was enjoyable. I love me some Janet, even if it looked like her butt was stung by a hive of bees. Bees with jungle fever.

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Queers have bad taste – Chapter 1

I get flack all the time for being an outsider of sorts among my gay friends and the community as a whole. To be honest, I find a large part of what is considered “gay culture” to be crap. I don’t mean crap as in something old and useless that can be thrown away, I mean actual shit. I am such a dick.

I remember when Keisha came out and sang that really popular song about smelling and what not, so many of my gay friends were falling over themselves with awe. There is one thing I have noticed among these types of performances, the sluttier, the trashier, the more of an overt sexual train wreck, the better. Often times, the media in question doesn’t even have to be produced well or have a lot of quality put into it, the mere presence of a gay person or gay theme grants it an instant pass. I am sure at this point you are wondering why I even care and to that I have 3 words.

“Gay themed films”

(more…)

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Kelsey Grammer stands up for unbiased media, by promoting biased media.

Kelsey Grammer has signed on as the spokesperson for The Right Network, a right leaning news network that claims to be in support of unbiased media and accountability. Which is rather ironic, as the name itself lends one to see the true intentions of the project. This is similar to someone starting a non partisan think tank and calling it, “Suck it Liberals, we beat off to Ronald Reagan’s ghost.” all while espousing the virtues of being unbiased. In other words, Fox News will have more company in crazy town with the bastard child of stupidity and white flight.

I can only assume this fall jarred loose the section of his brain that is responsible for the perception of irony.

Based on the logic of the folks behind these views, because the word “right” can mean “correct”, their views must be correct as they are right leaning. Point one for the literalistic, even a turd can float.

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Music that made me -The Temper Trap “Sweet Disposition”

Chris has gotten me interested in this band and I can’t stop listening to their music. I plan on going out to get a real job so I can buy their album.

Ahh who am I kidding. To TPB!

If the FBI is reading this, I am totally kidding. Please don’t brown bag me.

The song is fun, light hearted and the singer has a great voice and impressive range. Two years ago I would have shunned this music because the lead singer is one of those Indonesian folks, but I have slowly learned that even gross people have feelings and I should try and respect their dumb cultures.  I was never a huge fan of “indie” music before I met Chris, but he has introduced me to some pretty cool bands. I consider that to be a fair and equal trade, as I introduced him to anal sex.

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Demetrius Byrd don’t has good englash.

Demetrius Byrd is a “wide receiver” in a sport called Football. In this sport, there is a team known as the San Diego Chargers and, from what I gather from the story, they cut him because he sucked. However, his release from the team is not what is important here. I could give a flying (something explicit) about football. After reading this story, I was knocked back by the immense amount of murder that happened to be following in his verbal trail. Demetrius Byrd has murdered the English language.

There was some controversy surrounding some tweets that Mr. Byrd had made, involving the child singer thing, Justin Bieber. Apparently, Demetrius had made a comment (jokingly it seems) asking whether or not it made him gay because he happened to enjoy Biebers music. My answer to that question would be no. It makes you a child with horrible taste, but gay? No, I think not. At this point you may be wondering why this is news and in all truth, it really isn’t. However, the tweets and their colorful phrasing were so horrendous in their denial of basic English, I couldn’t resist. Take a look.

“Hey twitt fam is it gay to like justin bieber? Cuz I’m not gay but I’m feelin dat baby sng dat shit rockin right now on my cd also.”

When allegations went around claiming that it was this tweet that got him cut from the fooserball team, he had this to say.

“TO ALL U PPL WHO THINK I GOT CUT CUZ OF THAT TWEET FUCK YALL I’M PISSED…..THANKS TO U NO DATS DUMB.”

And then, just in case you missed his reply, he was gracious enough to give us more details.

Just read this thing about me b n cut cuz I tweeted sumthin bout likin Justin Bieber I dnt like fool like dat I dnt swing that way I was talkin bout dat new song wit ludacris. But ppl need to get a life lol that’s why San Diego cut lol C’Mon Son ppl a trip now u ppl run and quote this from me thanks AJ 4 drafted me makin my dream come to tru in a comma last draft wow but dat tweet I just asked my followers wat they think ppl can’t ask shit wow God Bless Haters.

Seriously? I am not even going to use profanity for this, that’s how bat shit crazy it is. Oops.

How in the world can a person think it is even remotely acceptable or mature to talk like this? I don’t even have any jokes about this, that’s how bad this is. This man, this Byrd man right here, is the progenitor to the people in the movie Idiocracy. I mean, really. How in the world do you get through life with this English skills? No, no… you know what? Skills is the wrong word. Skill implies that you have some ability in what it is you do and ability is obviously not what Mr Byrd has going on. Someone needs to take the faseball from his lapel coat and send his dumb ass back to school. Hell, instead of throwing around the Faceball during practice, try throwing a dictionary.

Don’t catch it though. Maybe stupidity can be cured by osmosis.

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SYSS – Judy’s Cream of Wheat

I am a huge fan of Cream of Wheat, mainly because I am so broke it is all I eat anymore. I have lost 6 pounds in the last two weeks, so Cream of Wheat can stick around for a little while longer. Sometimes it leaves me jittery and paranoid, but that may be due to the fact that I eat it with Adderal and Koolaid. Whatever the case may be, people don’t tell “Holy shit! Is that Jupiter!?” to me when I go for walks anymore. That’s progress people.

This sketch from the Punchy Players is classic. I saw this on Joe.My.God and I just had to post it, considering how much you fags love Judy Garland and Cream of Wheat.

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Lady Gaga’s telephone video is… well it’s a video

I was hoping to blog about this the day that it came out, but seeing that I started back up yesterday, well I didn’t. Back off… geez.

I was not a fan of the Gaga at first, as I have said many times before, but she continues to capture my attention. I wasn’t even really a fan of this song, I didn’t even know it was her when I first heard it actually. However, thanks to this bizarre video I am having trouble getting the damn jingle out of my head. The video absolutely makes no sense and at several times I found myself uncomfortable watching it. Not because the video was too much for me, but because it was so odd I was embarrassed for the people involved in it. I also happened to enjoy the portrayal of the butch lesbians that filled the prison. It was like an army of small town bull dykes auditioned for the video and the director said, “Fuck it, why not.”

Besides the fact that it is really long for a music video, it is also loaded with product placement. I could not tell if it was satire of just bad production design, but I do know one thing. The scene where she makes the sandwich is the best thing I have seen all year. I have been eating sandwiches for the past 4 days because of this video and every time I make one, I do the little dance only to realize it is these little things that will assure my single status in life.

Overall, interesting video, even if I have no idea what’s going on. I have noticed something while this video has been making the rounds, gay men LOVE IT. They don’t just love it, but they think it is the most amazing thing that has ever been created since whatever it was they loved 30 minutes before that.

“OMG IT’S SO WEIRD AND DIFFERENT! I AM WEIRD AND DIFFERENT! IT’S ABOUT ME!”

Zing!

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SYSS – Lazy Town meets Lil John

I have never seen this show before, but it looks like something that comes about after two TV producers start a conversation with, “Hey. You wanna really fuck with some kids heads?”.

Part of me wants to watch the show, just because I love cake and rap. Together, they form some odd sexual food monster that ends up living in your pants, dropping icing and dope rhymes. Do black people still use the word dope? I really want to come off cool and in the know.

What I can gather from this video is that the original TV show involves cake and preparing children for their future lives as obese Americans with type 2 diabetes. Lil John adds the much needed minority view to the show and really reminds kids that everyone is equal and should be treated the same. Of course, by “treated the same” I mean sexual abuse and over eating.

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