50 Cent and Val Kilmer showcase their love at the AMAs

Just kidding, 50 Cent just brought Kilmer along to the American Music Awards last night as his date.  Can you imagine the train wreck-ness of that romantic scenario though?

50 Cent aka Curtis Jackson, recently wrote a screenplay and apparently he’s gotten Val Kilmer to star alongside him.  The movie is called “The Gun” and is supposed to start production in December. The pair will play friends involved with illegal weapons dealing.  Negotiations for Kilmer to sign onto the project were simple; Kilmer received a bottle of “Crimson Wave” toenail polish and a sandwich.

Despite being nothing more than an awkward bit of publicity, one has to admit it’s still a wtf?! kind of moment…kind of.  It is Hollywood after all.  Today’s been a slow day.  I want a cookie.

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ABC gets 1,500 complaints about Adam Lambert, no one notices the rest of the peash-tacular night.

Apparently Adam Lambert has caused a “moderate” controversy at ABC, provoking the hand of sexually repressed Americans to call the network and complain. ABC stated that around 1,500 calls were made to the station to complain about the racy and inappropriate nature of his performance, all the while seemingly forgetful that the rest of the night had been loaded with skin tight vaginas and sexually explicit acts by several other performers. However, it seems that in America, female pop stars can be freely objectified and openly sexual, but a man (let alone a gay man) can not.

I wrote an extensive post about the event last night and while I didn’t care for his act and found the over the top nature boring, I don’t think it warrants calling a televisions network. If you are stupid enough to watch a pop music show and expect to see Jesus and Bob Dole, you’re an idiot. Anyone with a pair of functioning eyes and a short term memory can tell you that pop music is nothing more than sex, plastic and shit. Hell, Helen Keller has a firmer grasp on reality than these twits. No, you know what? Twit is not nearly strong enough a word for them, I say we create a new term. A term that broadly defines sexually repressed people, working under the assumption that theirs is the only acceptable view of life, all the while hypocritically calling out certain individuals and leaving others alone.

I say we call them cunt knucklers.

America needs to get over their fear of sexuality, but Adam better hope he has another chance at a solid career. I have not read this many bad reviews for a performance since Britney Spears did that half assed dance a few years back.

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AMA recap. Yeah, like you give a shit.

In what ended up being a glorified crotch thrusting fuck-o-rama, the 2009 American Music Awards finished fisting America with a glam dazzled, flim frazzled moment of, “Wait, what?”.

I spent the evening watching the television event with my mother, only because I had heard Janet Jackson was going to be opening and even that performance left me a little unfulfilled. I really wanted her opening act to be amazing, because I am a huge Janet fan, but it seemed to fall short. It wasn’t a bad performance and the woman can still dance and entertain like few in her field, but it felt slightly lacking in totality. I believe the final song she g was off of her upcoming album, which was probably the lowest point of the routine. More All4U damn it!

OK enough of that faggotry and on to the rest of the night.

I am not a huge follower of pop culture, so I don’t know much about what teenagers think is cool, but if tonights line up was any indication of it, America is fast becoming a zombie nation of tightly covered vaginas and staggeringly gay looking male back up dancers. Now there is nothing “wrong” with looking gay of course, just as there is supposedly nothing “wrong” with being black, but I think it’s safe to say it’s not a good look. The picture below illustrates the nights performances perfectly.

 

Let’s start this adventure with the best performances of the night, at least this way your brain knows some pleasure, before it becomes inundated with the overpowering feeling of shititude that the night continued to offer.

Lady Gaga

Lady Gaga is going to become the Andy Kaufman of our generation, whether for better or worse. I will admit that I did not understand Lady Gaga when I first saw her, but I have convinced myself she is not so much a pop star as she is a performance artist. I happen to know she is also very talented and has an impressive vocal range, as evident by the video below. I am not a big fan of this Lover’s Revenge song, or whatever it’s called, but it’s catchy and the bastard is still bouncing around in my head. I thought her outfit was bizarre and entertaining as usual and happened to enjoy that she looked like she was covered in Ace bandages. I also thank her for not shoving her peash in my face like most everyone else had during the night.

Janet Jackson

Janet’s performance, while not my favorite was still enjoyable to watch. I already went into enough detail about the highs and lows of it, but watch it yourself. I SAID WATCH IT!

Alicia Keys

Alicia Keys and Jay-Z were great. I happen to love Empire State of Mind and as usual, her voice was beautiful. Jay-Z brought it like he always does and they complemented each other nicely. This was one of my favorite performances of the night.

Alicia Keys and Jay-Z performing “Empire State of Mind”.

Nelly Furtado, Timberland, Soshy

Nelly Furtado, Timberland and something called a “Soshy” came out and performed “Morning After Dark”. The performance wasn’t bad and the song is catchy enough, although I don’t really care for it. Being that it’s Timberland, I didn’t expect a great performance as much as I did a good song. I do love Nelly Furtado though, so her appearance knocked it over the line for me.

Kelly Clarkson

Kelly Clarkson is a talented singer and we all know it, but what makes her even more unique is that she didn’t feel the need to shove her peash into my face all night, while singing about giving it to me or sticking something up me. The song was beautiful, her voice was flawless and she looked great. I don’t have much else to say, but bravo Kelly.

…like she reads this blog… what a dumb faggot.

That’s about it for memorable performances, in the sense that I am using the word memorable as a positive. Oh snap!

Let’s move on to the train wrecks, the awkward and the “What the hell is this crap?”

The Crap of the night

Jennifer Lopez

 

Jennifer Lopez… I will say this. I was surprised to see she was still around. I was under the impression she had agreed to a silent and unpublished exit from music. I happened to enjoy her first two CD’s and some of her first handful of songs were great. I hadn’t seen her around in a while, so when she showed up on stage I thought, “Oh  great, she is lost. This is going to be awkward.” I couldn’t have been more correct.

Her song was pretty craptacular, but the real fun came when she fell flat on her butt in the performance. It was edited out during the west coast broadcast, but you know I have your back. I wont embed the actual performance here, but here is the fall. It’s nothing hilarious, but it’s far more entertaining than her Rocky Balboa song.

She also reminded me of Dot Matrix from Space Balls

Ok I lied. Here is her performance.

She falls.

Whitney Houston

Whitney, Whitney, Whitney…. I am sad to say this, but I think it’s over. The song, something about beating back the beast of crack, was about as boring as a Sarah Palin read a thon. There were no notes that seemed to reach beyond her limited range and she did more “talk singing” than actual sing singing. I don’t remember much, except thinking, “I hope she says something about Bobby Brown and then dives into the crowd like a crazed drunk.” I had conceived myself that her massive diamond earrings were priovindg her with an IV of liquid cocaine, but alas it seemed to have been morphine. I know that beating drugs is a big deal and blah blah blah and I am glad she has her life together, but the old Whitney is gone.

I was hoping to see this…

Instead, we got this.

Rhianna

I really enjoy Rhianna and most of her songs have a great beat and are catchy. I know she is young and she is trying to find out her place in all of this, but tonights performance looked like she had been turned into a lesbian robot with a personal vendetta against my ears. I don’t know what that song was about, but it reminded me of the Matrix except none of us  had the chance to take the other pill.

Alicia Keys

Alicia Keys performed a second time during the night and carried on with the ‘Look at my vagina” them of the night. She wore a perfectly placed silver locket that drew your eyes to the peash and I couldn’t stop looking. The only time I noticed I wasn’t looking at her vagina, was when I thought some rapist had climbed the brick wall she was dancing by, in a snaky attempt to mug her. It was really awkward and looked creepy.

It probably didn’t help that she starts the performance out with a video of her propelling herself into the sky with purple fart dust. That could  just be me though.

Shakira

I was a HUGE Shakira fan when she was still singing her Colombian music. Ojos Asi and “Tu” are some of my favorite songs of all time. Sadly, like most musicians that get to big, she has become plastic crap. First of all, she looks like she is starving, if she really is a she wolf than someone needs to get the pack of McDonald’s. She sang some horrible song about, well I don’t have any idea honestly, I wasn’t listening after the first few seconds. All I can remember is a catchy clap track played over someone playing an 8 bit video game system. The dancing was entertaining, but the song had no soul or passion. She might as well have been singing about her car insurance or her vagina.

The Black Eyed Peas

The Black Eyed Peas…. eh. For some reason I have the feeling that Will.I.Am takes himself too seriously and while this song isn’t bad, I think the Black Eyed Peas get far too much attention, especially considering I felt Kings of Leon should have beaten them out. Feel free to watch the video below and disagree with me, and by “disagree”, I mean shut up.

Carrie Underwood

Apparently Carrie Underwood is someone real and she sings something called country music. Whatever that is. Carrie came out in some tight gold granny panties, once again carrying the, “look at my peash” theme of the night. I am all for open and free sexuality, but it seems that our country and music industry can’t do anything anymore unless it involves thrusting crotches and skin tight assholes. The entire night was just one big flesh factory and I couldn’t stop myself from wondering what the hell a Carrie Underwood was and why I was supposed to want to see her in gold spandex.

Adam Lambert

Adam Lambert was probably the most disappointing performance of the night, just because I expected so much from him. He sang a song about entertaining you, which couldn’t have been more ironic. Unless of course he meant entertainment in the sense that I find it entertaining when I see children with diabetes walking through the grocery store with arm fulls of candy and sweets. For the record, I DON’T find that entertaining… most of the time.

Adam had a chance to really take a great step forward at the start of his career, instead he just ran around singing some god awful song that was not created for his voice or his genre. Meanwhile, men and woman gyrated around him and he awkwardly pretending to be unbiased on sexuality by fondling some chicks crotch. I did however, find it awesome that he kissed some guy on stage and plenty of fundie are flipping out about this. If the performance and song had been good, then I am sure this would have gotten him the same attention Britney and Madonna received when they locked lips. However, the whole piece was gaudy and busy, just short of being horrible.

He did fall at some point during the performance, or at least looked like he did. That was pretty fun. Check out the performance below and decide for yourself.

If you watch this clip, they play the “trip” in slow motion. It’s hard to tell if it was planned or if it was an accident, but it seems to be an accident. Whatever the case, he recovered like a professional, so if it was an accident, good on ya Adam. NOW GIVE ME MY 3 MINUTES BACK!

All in all this was a pretty blase night of “musical acts”. Green Day did something near the end and for Green Day they seemed pretty uninterested in being there. Although, I have to say they looked damn good for their age. As usual, they are great musicians, but Billy missed a rather noticeable note at the end and there was a moment of awkwardness. Eh, no one is perfect. Eminem did something as well, but I had decided that he died a few years back, so when he came out on the stage in that same tired swagger, my mind convinced me I had traveled back in time and was watching MTV in a dimension where MTV played music, in the hopes that I wouldn’t go crazy from seeing a supposed dead person live, on stage.

Was that a run on sentence?

Oh yeah, Michael Jackson won a bunch of awards for dying.

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SNL Digital Short: Two Worlds Collide ft. Reba McEntire

 

This was probably the only decent thing from tonight’s episode of Saturday Night Live.   It’s such a shame too seeing how Joseph Gordon-Levitt was hosting.  He really is a gifted actor and then this happened…what a shame.

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Aftermath of horrific chimp attack or Monkey See Monkey Murder

I would like to make some sarcastic jokes about this, maybe poking fun of the idiocy of owning a pet chimpanzee, but after watching this video I would feel like a douchebag, and rightly so. I am sure we all recall the incident several months ago involving the chimpanzee that went crazy and started attacking his owner. Charla Nash, the woman who suffered the most at the hands of the chimp recently went on Oprah to discuss life after the incident.

This poor woman was not even the owner of the chimp, but suffered tremendously because of her actions. Nash attempted to come to the aid of her friend Sandra Harold to whom the chimp was owned, but instead became the one needing saving. Travis, the name of the 200 lb adult chimp, had became enraged and confused after he was given the anti anxiety medication, xanex. Police were convinced that a bout with Lyme disease had caused the animals strange behavior and the medication exacerbated the problem.

When Herold called the police during the attack, she was convinced that Travis had killed Nash, her close friend and employee. When the police arrived, they shot the animal dead, only then to realize that Charla was still alive, if barely. Travis had torn off her jaw, ripped off her nose and bitten off most of her fingers. When she was rolled into the E.R. doctors found pieces of the chimps teeth and hair embedded in Nash’s bone. Charla does not remember anything from that night and has asked not to be reminded.

Currently Nash is completely blind as her eyes have been removed and she no longer has hands. Her face was horribly disfigured and she spends her days wandering through the hospital halls, wearing a veil in an attempt to keep from scaring the other patients. She has filed a $50 million dollar lawsuit against Harold, but Harold claims that, as the incident happened when Nash was employed with her, she is only entitled to workers compensation.

While she was a guest on Oprah, she stated that she was hoping to one day have face and hand transplant surgery.

I wish her the best of luck and find myself embarrassed at all of the complaints I lob ab0ut my own life, in the presence of this woman’s story.

The pictures below are of Charla before the incident and after, when she appeared on Oprah.

WARNING! These images and the following video are disturbing and may bother some readers. Continue at your own discretion.

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Putin throws his hands in the air, then looks really awkward like he just don’t care.

Battle for Respect!

That was the name of the show that Vladimir Putin appeared on this weekend in ol Mother Russia. The clip below shows segments of a series that aired on Muz TV, the Russian equivalent of MTV. (Except that they  seem to actually play music). Putin has been on a tour of the country lately, in the hopes of spreading his image as a man of the people. You know, because nothing says, “I am just like everyone else”, like the ability to murder journalists who criticize you and do it publicly without repercussion.

Crap, I just heard someone slam a car door outside.

Seeing as that I may be minutes away from a polonium-210 induced death, take a gander at the INTENSE awkwardness that is about to unfold in this clip. I haven’t seen a white guy this nervous since I showed up to the NAACP Halloween costume party, dressed as Clarence Thomas.

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There’s a lawsuit for that.

What would the Christmas season be without a knock down drag out fight? A failure that’s what! Nothing warms our hearts better than the sound of falling prices, lawsuits, and mud slinging. Never one to disappoint, Verizon started early this year. If you haven’t seen the commercials yet you probably live under a rock, but just in case here’s a link to the one that started it all.

Taking a note from the iPhone ads touting “There’s an app for that,” Verizon’s spin off “There’s a map for that” hit our TV’s early October. The ads feature happy Verizon users surfing the 3g network in contrast to the not so happy iPhone zombie shaking his head as a map displaying poor coverage hovers above. My favorite so far is the “Blue Christmas” ad.

What’s not to love about this commercial? As anyone with an iPhone will tell you, when the 3G signal drops you can forget using that phone for anything more then making calls. Even in Los Angeles my very own iPhone has forsaken me. One of the largest metropolitan cities in the continental United States and I can’t get a good 3G signal? Come on AT&T, I thought we were buds? All laughing aside AT&T has launched a law suit claiming Verizon is trying to fool viewers into thinking they can’t use ATT&T services outside of 3G coverage areas. While it is true, AT&T does have 2G coverage, have you tried making a call on the 2G network recently? “Can you hear me now,” I didn’t think so. How about instead of spending money on lawsuits, why not just update your 3G coverage and drop the 2G? Would that really be so hard AT&T? Verizon didn’t think so… In response to the lawsuit Verizon has changed the ads at the behest of AT&T, editing them to remove the phrase “out of touch” and adding a “Voice and data services available outside of 3G areas” in small print at the end. Apparently this wasn’t enough for AT&T who still insists the ad will confuse non-technical viewers. I don’t think Verizon cares much about the lawsuit, just this evening I saw an advertisement that I found quite amusing.

Is there an app for that AT&T?

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Baby Lienstein

This is absolutely mind boggling. Disney has the nerve to tell me that plopping your child in front of the television, because you are too lazy to interact with them, is not educational? Typical liberals, with their “have something to do with your child’s well being” nonsense. I have watched these Baby Einstein videos and if there is no educational value in learning the difference between an ocean liner and a tug boat, well I just don’t know what kind of world we live in.

Apparently, Disney disagrees.

They may have been a great electronic baby sitter, but the unusual refunds appear to be a tacit admission that they did not increase infant intellect.

“We see it as an acknowledgment by the leading baby video company that baby videos are not educational, and we hope other baby media companies will follow suit by offering refunds,” said Susan Linn, director of Campaign for a Commercial-Free Childhood, which has been pushing the issue for years.

Baby Einstein, founded in 1997, was one of the earliest players in what became a huge electronic media market for babies and toddlers. Acquired by Disney in 2001, the company expanded to a full line of books, toys, flashcards and apparel, along with DVDs including “Baby Mozart,” “Baby Shakespeare” and “Baby Galileo.”

The videos — simple productions featuring music, puppets, bright colors, and not many words — became a staple of baby life: According to a 2003 study, a third of all American babies from 6 months to 2 years old had at least one “Baby Einstein” video.

Despite their ubiquity, and the fact that many babies are transfixed by the videos, the American Academy of Pediatrics recommends no screen time at all for children under 2.

Luckily I am gay, so the chance of me popping out a child without in depth planning, is pretty low on the totem pole of crazy. That being said, if I were to have a kid, there is no way my 2 year old would be watching television, especially the LSD inspired crap that is Baby Einstein. My intense dislike of Baby Einstein could have a lot to do with the fact that I hear and see the videos on a daily basis. I always assumed I was cynical, because I never saw the educational value behind children going on a journey to find a magical birthday machine.

What a great way to educate children, make them watch 2 hours of nonsense about a machine that doesn’t exist. Maybe in the next video they can go on an adventure and find the secret coven of unicorns, lodged deeply within the Pope’s heart.

So parents, you heard it here first. Disney says, “Put down the rum and coke, the vibrator or that unemployment check you have yet to cash and watch your damn kids.” The next time they bring home an F on their history report, don’t blame Baby Einstein, blame your genes.

You’re next, Yo Gabba Gabba.

Read the entire New York Times article.

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