Star Craft II beta test – Need a light?

So my new best friend ever, Greg, has somehow gotten his hands on another Star Craft 2 Beta test key and he graciously gave it to me. And people say that hair dolls and voodoo don’t work.

When I got the voicemail from him this morning, due to my shitty service, all I heard from his recording was , “So…. (inaudible) I  figured you would…..(inaudible) wanna…… Star Craft 2 beta key….”. That was all I needed to hear and I was out of bed and furiously pawing at the screen in an attempt to get the phone to call him back. I was asleep when I heard the voice mail notification go off and we all know how hard it is to focus on anything the moment after you wake from a deep sleep. I wasn’t quite sure where I was, saw my dog and thought he was  a pile of clothes and starred at the keypad to my phone as if I were a caveman who had never used cell service. Needless to say, after a few minutes my fat digits mashed the correct keys and my nerdy Mexican friend was on the other line answering my nerd prayers.

Moments later the email arrived, beta key included and I downloaded the client with speedy speediness. ( Speedy speediness?  I am still jazzed alright? I don’t need to fuckin’ impress you!)

The game took it’s time to install and once it was configured, I could not get it to load longer than a second. I finally tracked the problem down to a graphic card rendering issue and rewrote the default rendering mode in the configuration files. VIOLA! All systems go!

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Heavy Rain – The Origami Killer raises the bar

I spent the last two weekends at a friends house enjoying one of the most amazing video games I have ever had the pleasure of playing.

No, scratch that, you don’t play this game,  you experience an entirely engrossing experience that often led me to forget that these characters were not real.

I am not one to be easily swayed by the hype surrounding anything,  evident when I happened to think Alice in Wonderland was rather, “wonder less” while everyone else was ripping out their hair for it. That being said, Quantic Dream has created a ground breaking piece of art with Heavy Rain.  Once in a while, you come across something that changes the genre in which it arrives and in this case, Heavy Rain is more art than it is video game. Before I go on, watch the video below and judge for yourself if you are even going to be interested in the following review. Keeping in mind that this is a video game, I dare you not to be moved by this performance.

With an entirely unique system of play, you cycle through four main characters, each a piece in a larger puzzle that intersects reactively according to the choices you make during the story. The game starts with the main character, Ethan Mars, a young father of two,  husband, architect and overall unexpected sex symbol.  When you begin the game it starts out painfully slow for the first 20-30 minutes, which can be slightly irksome for the more ADD prone amongst us. However, after a few minutes you realize the necessity behind the slow introduction as the game dynamics are unlike anything you have seen or played before. The entire game is built on a system of active decision making, allowing you to choose several different options during each encounter, never knowing the outcome of those choices. Whether you choose to take a shower or play with your children, these actions or inactions will have an impact on the unfolding of the story.  To add an even further level of complexity and urgency to your choices, Heavy Rain forces you to consider each and every choice you make, often times in an incredibly short amount of time, we are talking seconds here people. The full impact of these choices is further exaggerated by the inability to save your game or restart a particular event or area.

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The Japanese are odd – Man marries digital wife. Gays around the world revolt.

Nene Anegasaki is a blushing new bride, the only problem is that her bright face is compossed of pixels.

Nene Anagasaki is a computer program from the game LovePlus and she was designed to give companionship to lonely and sad (and I stress sad) men.

The wedding took place during a Make: Japan meet-up held at the Tokyo Institute of Technology. In attendance were a live audience, an MC, the bride’s virtual video game girlfriend — who made a speech — and a real human priest.

As a gay man, who can not marry, I am a tad perplexed as to how this individual was able to marry a digital woman, even more so curious as to how God allowed such a thing to take place. The last time I checked, I was told God fancied marriages between a man and woman, not man and machine. My hypothesis?

Buddha has more sway in the East than God does and thus… well this. Either that or marriage really is something different to everyone. Eh, who am I to judge?

I mean… I am still judging this sad little man, but…ahh forget it.

I doubt the ceremony was real, but the odd nature of it is real enough. I have long known the Japanese to be an odd people as most of my childhood friends were Asian. Growing up I loved their culture and music, all the while understanding their bizarre take on sex and relationships. This often includes a group of people known as Otaku, who have been known to actively court and attempt to date and marry AI programs or inanimate objects. I still recall the man who was dating his body pillow… and she had a name.

Awkward.

The groom, a skinny nerd who goes by the name of SAL 9000 (wtf? ), has admitted to having more than one digital girlfriend in his life.

Catch him now ladies… before he gets away.

When BoingBoing previously wrote of this, they asked an Otaku how him and his “girlfriend” interacted. He had this to say.

OK, this is pretty embarrassing. The DS has a mic and a touchscreen, so… one time, she asked me to say “I love you” a hundred times into the mic. I was on the airplane when she asked me that, so I was like, no way. There was also this part where you have to hold her hand on the touchscreen. If you touch her hand with the stylus, you get to hold her hand. And then there’s the part where you have to kiss her.

Seriously Japan… what the hell?

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Video game characters have better sex than I do -or- Gay sex hits your PS3

These images may be NSFW, depending on your tastes. There is no nudity, but there is suggestive imagery. Scroll down at your own risk.

There has been a slow increase of gay characters and gay themes in video games of late.  Just this year the Sims 3 introduced the idea of gay marriage, although same sex relationships had been a part of the game mechanics since the original.

The last game I had played, in which you could make your character homosexual, was Fable. The ensuing sex scenes, although they faded to black, had some comical, if not misleading, audio. I have never once heard anyone utter the words, “Oh, it’s so big” to me during the act of love making. I have also never used the term “love making” before tonight.

This video is from Fable 2, but it illustrates the point.

However, all of that is old news as Dragon Age: Origins includes a full on sex scene. Yes… a gay sex scene.

“Dragon Age” is the name given to the time period in which the game takes place. It was named so because, at the beginning of the age, dragons re-appeared in the world after being thought extinct. The game is not all about dragons, though of course dragons do play a role in the story. Dragons are rare and dangerous creatures, and their fantastical nature is evocative of what our game is all about – hence the title.

The video is pretty graphic for a game, although it doesn’t show anything. It does, however, rely on a lot of suggestion.

After watching the video several questions had been answered for me. I had long believed all elves to be bottoms and now I know.

However. I am left with one question?

Are all of the Elves in Dragon Age from the gayest part of Spain? If so… boo.

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Augmented Reality coming to you soon. Grab a bat and beat some hookers!

Marc Owens’s augmented reality project “Avatar Machine” puts its users in VR helmets that display the world around them as though they were playing a third-person game, so that their own body is seen from behind. Owens theorizes that “The system potentially allows for a diminished sense of social responsibility, and could lead the user to demonstrate behaviors normally reserved for the gaming environment.”

I don’t buy the argument that people will, somehow, forget they are in an AR device and suddenly start murdering people like some deranged nut job, but I will admit that several hours of Mario Brothers leaves me feeling the urge to eat every mushroom I see and shit coins out of my ass. Then again, where else would one shit anything, if not the ass?

Extra points if you can name the music in the background.

Here is another video showing, what seems to be a prototype. I particuarly enjoy watching the passersby anbd teir responses. “Just keep swimming, just keep swimming.”

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Worst video game voice overs of all time. How’s that for a clever title?

Nerd alert!

I have a feeling that plenty of you will have played some of these games in your many years of nerdome. Yes… there was a time before W.o.W, but let’s not speak of such horrible visions.

I bring to you this wonderful video of the top 50 worst voice overs in video game history. I felt there were a few on here that should have been included, the “all your base belong to us” being one of them. However, number 50 is one of the few that have stuck in my mind all of these years. In all truth, that game had so many bad voice over moments, I am surprised I had enough time to be scared in between all the laughing. Seriously, those were some horrible voice overs and even worse lines. I hope those voice actors had their full of Slim Jims before the day was over, because you know they didn’t get paid shit.

Enjoy.

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Floating cat skull is judging you.

It’s cool if you are jealous of my uber-nerdy little digital pet, for use in World of Warcraft. I am not quite sure what it is supposed to be, but it looks to be a cat skull, floating in a tacky parade dress, covered in chains and gaudy jewelry. It could be Lady Gaga for all I know. Now, I don’t play the game much because I am so busy, but nothing brings a nerd more joy than to gloat about shit that cool people have no interest in. After I am done writing this post, I have every intention of reading about Star Wars and then obsessing over the mediocre nature, that is Joss Whedon.

Yeah, I said it. Firefly sucked.

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Section 8 – A lot of potential, but just short of landfall.

Section 8 (6 out of 10)

In a blazing pillar of fire, futuristic marines are shot from the stratosphere and sent spiraling to the ground at 80 miles per hour. Somehow, through the use of space magic or some unknown technology, they are able to land every time with no physical damage. Naturally I blame witches. Futuristic space witches.

Section 8 has been out for a while now and I recently got my hands on it. I have seen the commercials on TV and was oddly curious as to how the game would turn out. I don’t play an awful lot of PC games, but I have been trying to change that as of late. Section 8 was not exactly what I had imagined, but it did have some strong points. Before we go into great detail about space witches and the sort, take a gander at the trailer below. Take a moment to listen for the ultra macho voice over guy. “We always watch each others six.”  I wonder what the space equivalent of “no-homo” is.

So, it looks pretty action packed, right? The graphics look sharp, while the visual imagery is close to photo realism, and just look at that space armor! You could place a laptop behind you, turn your back on it,  stare into the reflection of that armor and enjoy your pornography in crystal clear clarity. It’s sad that I found a way to work that line into this review. What is even more sad, is that you took a second to visually imagine that scene.

Visually, the game is stunning, but that ends up being its strongest point. I would like to say that the concept is equally impressive, but it feels like the designers only ventured forward with it for a short distance, then abandoned it entirely. When I play a FPS, I usually find the most joy in playing with all the amazing weapons. If you add to that, the idea that this game takes place in the future, you can imagine my excitement when I imagined all the space weapons and laser guns and what nots. Unfortunately, Section 8 comes with a sparse number of weapons and they are all lack luster. The Halo franchise found itself loaded with cool toys and trinkets, but Section 8 dropped the ball when it came to weaponology. You are telling me that you have conquered space, but pistols are still the marine standby?  Boo, I say… simply boo.

The levels start out enjoyable, but you quickly find that they involve a lot of running around and very little interactivity. There is no organic nature to the enemy and the maps feel as if they were simply created to place objectives in. If that doesn’t make sense, imagine going through a haunted house. Sure, it’s scary at first, but after a while yoreu’ able to tell where all the masked high school kids are hiding, based on the bloody heads and claw marks. We all act scared, but in truth, we all die a little.

 

You spend a large part of the game hacking into access points, only to defend those points from enemy forces.  The enemy will often stand and watch you hack away, going out of their way to run around the complex before they make a b line for you. Unless the base was stocked with meth addicts, you would expect a little more direct action. This is enjoyable for a short amount of time, but after a while you start to feel like a hacker who has managed to stuff his fat ass into space armor. No one wants to undress a fat nerd… I would know.

At one pint, early on, they introduce the idea of dropping purchased weapons and resources into the game. Through your visual HUD, you are able to order “deploy-ables” straight into the battle. This concept works out great during a heated battle, but sadly the battles never get that heated and by the time they do, you realize you are fighting the final fight of the game. You also have to order these deploy-ables with space credits, which begs the questions, “Why would the army make you pay for the tools you are using to fight their wars?” Cheap bastards.

In the end, the game is entiely too short. It took me a breath taking 6 hours to finish and that was with a 2 hour break in between playing. Just as the game was starting to develop a plot, it was over. Now, I know I tend to be overly sarcastic, but I really was shocked at how short this game was. When I saw the credits rolling, my first thought was, “Oh.. I want my money back.”

Then I realized I borrowed the game from a friend. So naturally I  demanded they give me their receipt so I could return the game and claim the money.

All in all, Section 8 was a sparse 6 out of 10. If they had added more content, put some effort into the weapons and spiced up the game play, I would have been a lot happier in the end. The concept was great and it had a lot of potential, but even with it’s delays, the game felt rushed.

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