Stuff White People Like

www.stuffwhitepeoplelike.com

This website is hilarious and it can also be a life saver if, during the holidays, you find yourself struggling to find that perfect gift for one of your uptight WASP relative(s).  It list some of the more trademark items on a stereotypical white person’s wish list, my personal favorite being “Pea coats” and “Asian girls.”

Check out the full list here.

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Tonight Show Performs Mormon Christmas Carol for Orrin Hatch

Hallelujah!  Utah’s Republican Senator, Orrin Hatch, has bestowed to the American public the gift of song!  Hatch, who just so happens to be a devout Mormon, tore up the charts this week with “8 Days Of Hanukkah” (watch below) a Christmas carol styled ditty for the Jewish community.

Not to be outdone in the festive spirit of the season, The Tonight Show’s Max Weinberg decided to return the favor and write a holiday song aimed specifically at Mormons starring the Mormon Tapper-nacle Choir.

Praise Jesus!  It truly is a Christmawanzakkah miracle!

P.S. Was anyone else bummed out after finding out Katherine Heigl is Mormon?

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“I Need A Handjob!”: The best commerical for the simplest product ever!

Handjob! Is the multi-grip system that everyone’s talking about! Are you feeling tired? Frustrated? Overwhelmed? Sounds like you need a Handjob!

Beware of sloppy imitations.  You could expect to pay up to $40 elsewhere.  But right now, you can experience all the pleasure and convenience of a genuine Handjob! for yourself for the low, low price of just $4.95 plus shipping and handling.

BUT WAIT!  Order now and receive a second Handjob! absolutely FREE!  That’s two Handjobs! for under 5 bucks!  You can’t beat it!  Keep one for yourself and give one to a friend…or keep them both! We won’t tell!

Click the “ORDER NOW” button to get yours! And remember, nothing says “I like you” this holiday season quite like the gift of a HandJob!

Handjob!  You deserve it!

The best part of this is it’s a real product.

The “Hand Job” which you can purchase here aids in tasks such as opening bottle tops and jars by gripping to the lid. The creators decided that despite the nature of the item, they’d give it a sexual name and make a hilarious and sexually suggestive ad in hopes that it would go viral.  Obviously it worked.  The ad is hilarious and definitely does its job.  I’m gonna get me a Handjob!

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Shazaam + Spandex + Gem Sweaters = Leslie Hall

I have been watching and following Leslie Hall for nearly two years now and the woman never ceases to amaze me. She is hilarious, bold and unapologetic, never missing a chance to flaunt her persona and take you along for the ride. Born in Ames, Iowa and younger than me (and much more successful… cut cut), she has been an oddball, nerd and Queen of all Gems for nearly a decade. She even has a wikipedia page. Of course… I have a Wikipedia page myself and if you care to check it out, feel free.

I even came across a Lady Gaga vs.  Leslie Hall remix that isn’t entirely too bad. I am not usually a fan of the “vs” crap, but hearing “Just Dance” played over “Gold Pants” makes me want to cut off my bits and eat them. Don’t judge me.

More pictures of the wonderful Leslie and a few of her best videos, after the jump.

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Auto Tune your Facebook status!

Sony and Facebook have collaborated to help you usher in the last few moments of  Auto Tune’s popularity. As this tired and overdone Internet meme reaches it’s final relevant countdown, you can now Auto Tune your Facebook status. The results are pretty weak and it doesn’t always sound the way it should, but it makes for an enjoyable escape from your job… That is if you are lucky enough to still have a job. In which cause, I say screw you.

Head on over here to give it a try. If you find out your computerized voice isn’t saying your words correctly, try spelling them phonetically and if you don’t know what phonetically means, why the shit are you on my blog?

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Target’s Comedienne, Maria Bamford, mocks WASPs, her family and herself!

Today was the dreaded “Black Friday” and I’m sure most of you precious snow flakes were out beating the shit out of one another in search of iPhones and laptops to give to your fat, fat children.  If you were like me however, you were sitting comfortably at home, puking up last night’s leftovers in hopes of getting a jump start on that New Year’s resolution.  Remember kids, nothing beats skinny!

I’m sure most of you also saw Target’s Black Friday “Two Day Sale” ads starring Comedienne Maria Bamford over the past couple of weeks.  If not, screw you!  You probably think you’re too good for television or perhaps you subscribe to some silly religion that forbids watching TV.  You know the kind that frowns upon marrying ethnics and makes you churn your own butter or burn your underwear when your done with them.

For those of you who don’t know her, Maria Bamford is the quirky little blond lady with the strange voice(s) who can occasionally be found performing in the Comedians of Comedy Tour along side Ratatouille’s Patton Oswalt, The Hangover’s Zach Galifianakis, Eugene Mirman (he recently replaced Galifianakis) and Brian Posehn.

The “War Room” commercial (seen below) is the first of about seven Target “Two Day Sale” commercials currently running.  Justice and I have been fans of Ms. Bamford for several years now and we were thrilled to finally see her utilizing her talents in a national commercial and not whoring herself out to E! Entertainment’s red carpet show or something equally lame like an ARMY ad. (I’m looking at you 3 Doors Down)

You can check out the other “Two Day Sale” ads here.

A couple of years back Maria Bamford had her own web series, a low budget, single camera show called “The Maria Bamford Show.”  The premise: After struggling to pursue her career as a stand-up comedian in Los Angeles, Maria suffers from a nervous breakdown while on stage and is forced to move back home to Duluth, Minnesota to live with her parents.  It’s definitely worth your time if you, like me, gravitate toward self deprecating humor.

Here are the first four episodes of The Maria Bamford Show.

You can catch the rest of the episodes on Youtube here as well as check out her official site.

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6′ 8″ woman arrives for photo shoot, considers eating smaller, more petite model as snack.

Have I mentioned lately that I HATE it when men are taller than me? Because, I really really hate it. When I see people that are taller than me, I want to walk up to them and say, “Oh you think you’re so cool because you happen to be taller than me?! Oh well you know what!? I don’t know you, I don’t know you! I don’t have to fucking impress you!”

There is nothing worse for a mans self esteem than to meet someone for the first time, only to realize upon closer proximity, that by the time you reach your new friend… your face will be firmly planted in their crotch. Sure, that sounds hot and depending on the guy, it can be, but what if I were meeting a fat guy? Or maybe one of those really flamboyant African Americans from France? You know… the gay ones? (shudder)

At 6′2″ (no matter what my friend Barry may say) I consider myself a relatively tall man AND if I roll out my dick and stand on it, that gives me another good foot or so of height. Honestly though, how appropriate is it for me to be doing that during a job interview?

“Hi, my name is Justice and I am here to sell digital cameras to poor people whose lives are so miserable, that they really shouldn’t be taking pictures of their sad existence to remember in the first place.”

“Why yes, that is my penis.”

“Thank you, I understand and will vacate the premises immediately.”

Meanwhile, as I am trying to paint an exciting lead up to this story, you are all imagining me naked. Which is really sad, because if you would simply email me, I would gladly send you some great photos. You really are sick people.

Anyway, this Amazon queen comes in at a staggering 6′8″ , while her petite munchkin model friend barely reaches her stomach. Amazon Eve, as this V looking woman goes by, took part this weekend in a photo shoot for the Australian magazine, Zoo Weekly. How terribly appropriate.

Enjoy the video below and after words, maybe you can tell me why they chose such sexy and seductive music.

Now that you have watched the video with their music, play it again but turn the volume all the way down and play this in the background.

YAY!!!!!!

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When children get hurt – A closets revenge.

I know that you all come here for exciting political and pop culture news, but screw that noise. It’s nice to spice things up a bit and by “spice things up a bit”, I mean watch children get hurt.

Maybe I am a horrible person, but to me, there is nothing more hilarious than a child getting hurt. Now… I don’t mean actually getting hurt in the sense that they have to go to the hospital (although from time to time the situations leading up to that can be hilarious x 10), but when it’s scraps, bruises and tumbles… well I just lose it!

Spare me any of that, “once you have children you will have a different take on this” bull crap. I will always think this stuff is funny and plan on rigging my house up like a giant version of Mouse Trap, so I can film my children and their daily demise.

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