“I Need A Handjob!”: The best commerical for the simplest product ever!

Handjob! Is the multi-grip system that everyone’s talking about! Are you feeling tired? Frustrated? Overwhelmed? Sounds like you need a Handjob!

Beware of sloppy imitations.  You could expect to pay up to $40 elsewhere.  But right now, you can experience all the pleasure and convenience of a genuine Handjob! for yourself for the low, low price of just $4.95 plus shipping and handling.

BUT WAIT!  Order now and receive a second Handjob! absolutely FREE!  That’s two Handjobs! for under 5 bucks!  You can’t beat it!  Keep one for yourself and give one to a friend…or keep them both! We won’t tell!

Click the “ORDER NOW” button to get yours! And remember, nothing says “I like you” this holiday season quite like the gift of a HandJob!

Handjob!  You deserve it!

The best part of this is it’s a real product.

The “Hand Job” which you can purchase here aids in tasks such as opening bottle tops and jars by gripping to the lid. The creators decided that despite the nature of the item, they’d give it a sexual name and make a hilarious and sexually suggestive ad in hopes that it would go viral.  Obviously it worked.  The ad is hilarious and definitely does its job.  I’m gonna get me a Handjob!

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SYSS – As untouched as the turn signal in an Asian woman’s car.

In today’s Shit You Should See. (I used curse words!)

Family Guy never fails to deliver. While this clip is not new, it was on tonight on Adult Swim and I couldn’t stop laughing,

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Elderly man turns house into yule time shrine to dead wife

Well folks, now that Thanksgiving is over Christmas can officially begin, that is, unless you’re one of those overzealous tards who put their tree up the day after Halloween.  I hate those kind of people.  They ruin everything.  They’re the same kind of people who buy toiletry travel kits for their kids and burn Harry Potter books.  So know this, if you are one of those kind of people, I hate you.

Anyway, for those of you who don’t know me, I hail from San Antonio, Texas.  Ah yes Texas, the Lone Star state.  The state for good ol’ boys, real Americans and steers and queers.  Everything is big down in Texas and the holidays are no exception.  Down in San Antonio there is a wonderful, magical, festive display of pure oddity yet immense love and its in the form of Ed Clark’s Christmas House.  That’s right, Ed Clark’s Christmas House!  Located on the north east edge of San Antonio, Ed Clark’s Christmas House has become an annual tradition for locals, tourists, lovers of Christmas and fans of anything that is bizarre. (More pictures after the jump).

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Target’s Comedienne, Maria Bamford, mocks WASPs, her family and herself!

Today was the dreaded “Black Friday” and I’m sure most of you precious snow flakes were out beating the shit out of one another in search of iPhones and laptops to give to your fat, fat children.  If you were like me however, you were sitting comfortably at home, puking up last night’s leftovers in hopes of getting a jump start on that New Year’s resolution.  Remember kids, nothing beats skinny!

I’m sure most of you also saw Target’s Black Friday “Two Day Sale” ads starring Comedienne Maria Bamford over the past couple of weeks.  If not, screw you!  You probably think you’re too good for television or perhaps you subscribe to some silly religion that forbids watching TV.  You know the kind that frowns upon marrying ethnics and makes you churn your own butter or burn your underwear when your done with them.

For those of you who don’t know her, Maria Bamford is the quirky little blond lady with the strange voice(s) who can occasionally be found performing in the Comedians of Comedy Tour along side Ratatouille’s Patton Oswalt, The Hangover’s Zach Galifianakis, Eugene Mirman (he recently replaced Galifianakis) and Brian Posehn.

The “War Room” commercial (seen below) is the first of about seven Target “Two Day Sale” commercials currently running.  Justice and I have been fans of Ms. Bamford for several years now and we were thrilled to finally see her utilizing her talents in a national commercial and not whoring herself out to E! Entertainment’s red carpet show or something equally lame like an ARMY ad. (I’m looking at you 3 Doors Down)

You can check out the other “Two Day Sale” ads here.

A couple of years back Maria Bamford had her own web series, a low budget, single camera show called “The Maria Bamford Show.”  The premise: After struggling to pursue her career as a stand-up comedian in Los Angeles, Maria suffers from a nervous breakdown while on stage and is forced to move back home to Duluth, Minnesota to live with her parents.  It’s definitely worth your time if you, like me, gravitate toward self deprecating humor.

Here are the first four episodes of The Maria Bamford Show.

You can catch the rest of the episodes on Youtube here as well as check out her official site.

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Shit you should see (SYSS): Robotic TaunTaun, Pedophile Popsicles, Lego Matrix

This weeks SYSS comes from BoingBoing and is surely a pleasure. Especially if your a male pedophile. (We all know of whom I am referring).

 

Seriously… what’s wrong with that kids face?

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Shit you should see (SYSS)- Worlds biggest zit

Now… I tend to post a lot of serious topics on Necropolitica,  though I try to pepper things with sarcasm and humor in the hopes of softening the blow of miserable news. With that in mind, I am going to introduce a new section of the blog that will be devoted to nonsensical crap, designed to clear your mind by forcing it to deal with whatever it is I am sharing with you. Today we are looking at a video in which a woman removes the biggest zit I have ever seen. I have no idea why I am doing this, but sometimes we all like to escape reality.

Let’s see how that goes.

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