All I want for Christmas is a naked midget.

There, I said it. We all have things we are ashamed to admit in public, well now I am guilt free. It could be the fact that it’s 6 am, that I am hungry or that I took a weird hairy pill I found under the fridge, but whatever the case may be, I felt like being honest.

Don’t you look at me like that.

Chris keeps asking me what I really want for Christmas and there it is. I want to open up a big old box, wrapped with a bow, only to find an elf inside. I am pretty sure he could pull this off, because I read somewhere that midgets don’t use as much air as us, so the box would be fine with one perfectly placed breathing hole.

I expect this for Christmas, let it be known.

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“I Need A Handjob!”: The best commerical for the simplest product ever!

Handjob! Is the multi-grip system that everyone’s talking about! Are you feeling tired? Frustrated? Overwhelmed? Sounds like you need a Handjob!

Beware of sloppy imitations.  You could expect to pay up to $40 elsewhere.  But right now, you can experience all the pleasure and convenience of a genuine Handjob! for yourself for the low, low price of just $4.95 plus shipping and handling.

BUT WAIT!  Order now and receive a second Handjob! absolutely FREE!  That’s two Handjobs! for under 5 bucks!  You can’t beat it!  Keep one for yourself and give one to a friend…or keep them both! We won’t tell!

Click the “ORDER NOW” button to get yours! And remember, nothing says “I like you” this holiday season quite like the gift of a HandJob!

Handjob!  You deserve it!

The best part of this is it’s a real product.

The “Hand Job” which you can purchase here aids in tasks such as opening bottle tops and jars by gripping to the lid. The creators decided that despite the nature of the item, they’d give it a sexual name and make a hilarious and sexually suggestive ad in hopes that it would go viral.  Obviously it worked.  The ad is hilarious and definitely does its job.  I’m gonna get me a Handjob!

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Sexism strikes scrubbing bubbles, feminists everywhere demand the end of loofahs!

I happen to find this Method ad funny, albeit creepy.  I guess that’s because I am a lecherous pervert, out for fresh vagina, or at least that is what I am supposed to think. After so much politically correct enlightenment, I have come to the conclusion I may be an ass, considering I find most everything funny while realizing a large percent of the people around me do not.

In light of this constant stream of blubbering fecundity, I am going to start adding these politically humorous affronts to the blog.  From now on, all things offensive to those without a thick skin shall be found under this heading and they shall also share the good honor of lifting my spirits. That is, of course, unless booze can be found and in such case, the booze shall do the lifting and the blog shall go to shit.

 

Video after the jump!

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Ebay selling Levi Johnston role play costume. Nothing says sexy like slightly used crap.

The Christmas holiday is quickly approaching us and if you are anything like me, you have done very little shopping… if any. Maybe you have been busy, sick or plan on skipping it this year because you’re dirt poor and live off of cans of creamed corn. Sure, that sounds oddly specific and I know what you are thinking and the answer is yes! I applied for food stamps not less than 20 minutes ago. Hurrah for a richly lead life!

However, if you happen to be one of those rich bastards that I keep hearing about, you have the chance to own a piece of history. Of course by “rich” I mean, do you have $50 or so bucks to purchase the infamous hockey pieces used in the Levi Johnstons “Where’s the dick?” photo shoot?

The pieces, owned by Josh Koll are now up for sale on Ebay. Before we move forward, let’s take a second and re read that last sentence. Take your time.

(More images after the jump)

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Watch: Sarah Palin supporters prove why they are Sarah Palin supporters.

Wow…. I am at a loss for words…. seriously.

I just don’t know how someone, let alone so many, could be so ignorant of the world around them. I believe there are too many gems in this video to use one or two that would actively portray the terrifying stupidity of these people. Watching this video is like watching a newsman report on mass hysteria at a special education school.  These people have no right to call themselves Americans and I don’t care how horrible this may sound, but we need to implement laws that dictate an extensive amount of education be reached before one is allowed to vote, or even possibly reproduce.

Stupid people are everywhere and there are plenty of unintelligent nobs that voted for Obama, yet grasp the same educational level of these Wal Mart mouth breathers. The only difference?

Obama doesn’t mirror the lesser of his base, Sarah Palin does.

After watching this video I wonder if a Socialist, Marxist,Leninist is the same thing as an obese, Caucasian, skinny, black guy.

I hope that Palin runs, effectively drawing even more of the Republican base away from whatever old white guy they throw up there.

“When you are right, you don’t have to compromise.” I think this sums up the arrogance of our lazy nation quite nicely.

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Lets all do the Christian Side Hug!

I am hoping this a joke, as I can not find anything that offers information about this group. I have no idea. It would seem that if this is not a joke, Christians have found another way to be socially awkward and even less relevant in the cool department. I am hoping this is real, not because of any personal  feelings towards religion, but because this would be an entire week of awesomeness!

Don’t do that front hug, yo it’s awkward! Pull up on that Christian Side Hug lest your crotches touch!

The only reason I think this could be real is because I have been to churches where this kind of nonsense was peddled. In a sad and misguided attempt to look “cool” there is no end to the stupidity at which old white people will go.

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Man gets fired for homophobic remarks and poorly manicured eyebrows.

This poor guy, life is just so hard for a bigot these days.

Peter Vadala was fired from his job at Brookestone for making homophobic remarks and is now claiming religious intolerance was his downfall. When confronted about the incident on Fox & Friends (whatever the hell that is) he made his case exponentially worse by having a poor understanding of the English language. He incriminated himself several times and admitted he called a fellow employee a deviant after informing her that God had asked him to alert her to his displeasure with her and her “lifestyle choice”. Oh and he had some crazy eyebrows too.

During the interview Peter laments being a victim of religious intolerance after he told a woman that he felt her lifestyle was immoral and that she shouldn’t speak about it in the work place. He makes several remarks about her “supposed” fiance, as if because he has a problem with her partner or homosexuality, the lesbians relationship is somehow no longer valid. What makes matters worse is that he feels the need to go and pray about it during his lunch break and there he decides that he has to confront the woman and tell her to discontinue talking about her life because it personally offends him.Whoops. The lesbian co workers response?

“She laughed in my face and told me to keep my opinions to myself and to go see the human resources department.”

After watching the clip, his cries of “so called” victimization are shut down by his “supposed” non gay looking face. Seriously though, major gay face.

When the host reads a statement from Peter’s former employer and asks him if he plans on bringing suit against the company, he launches into a poorly worded tirade in the hopes of coming across as the victim one last time.

Let’s try and reword this for those who may not be following fully.

Black Woman “I love my new husband, he is so great. Sure, things are tough sometimes because he is white, but we enjoy each other.”

Peter “I went to the church and prayed and god told me to tell you that your lifestyle choice is a sin and your “so called” husband is a perversity to god.

Black Woman “That is incredibly racist and offensive and I am pretty sure this company does not tolerate that kind of language.”

Peter “No, as a Christian I can be intolerant of whomever I want as long as I claim religious freedom. You should take the day off, nigger.”

Hopefully that cleared up any misconceptions we had. In short, this pencil neck got everything he deserved.

Fox no longer allows people to embed their clips, mainly because they do such a horrible job at being “fair and balanced” that they get slammed all over the Internet and they are tired of being the butt of everyone’s joke. However, you can click here to watch the clip.

Pay close attention to the “questions” that are placed in the lower 1/3 of the screen. Things like ‘freedom under fire?” or “Religious expulsion?” don’t really read as fair and balanced, especially considering none of them say anything along the lines of, “grown man acts like jackass and gets what he deserves?”

Fox News, you really do lower the bar on everything.

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38 more acts of indecency. How Carrie Prejean flicked the bean and flipped off America.

In her newly released book Carrie wrote, “God gave us our bodies, and it’s perfectly right that we use them in ways where we can give glory to God by making our bodies, our temples of the Holy Spirit, strong and fast.”

Ha!

Not only was she caught red fingered(?) with a masturbation video after she had spent the last year traveling around as the christian mouth piece of hypocrisy, but now she has been caught red handed 38 more times. Apparently, when she had claimed she had felt horrible for the video, she had to engage in naked sexomania another 38 more times until the moral lessons had set in. I can relate to that, because sometimes I have to masturbate 2 – 3 times before I really feel at peace. Carrie and I are like lone sex warriors, except I never claimed to be a virgin. I just lament it.

TMZ has obtained several more pictures and major porn company Vivid Entertainment has somehow gotten their hands on a copy of her alleged finger walking wank session. There have been several stories circulating that Prejean was only 17 during the filming of these videos, but more and more evidence is surfacing that she was of legal age to pleasure herself for the enjoyment of others. I just barfed a little.

Now, these TMZ photos have not been found by myself and I won’t be posting them on here because I really don’t want to see some naked idiot talking out of their ass. I can just as easily do that in the shower by myself. However, if I do come across them, I may link to them in the hopes that even more people see this ideologue for what she is.

Let this be a lesson to all of you holy rollers. Keep your faith to yourself and don’t step on the rights of others. If you can’t follow these simple rules then I suggest you create a time machine and go back through your life, making sure you don’t do anything remotely sexual, lest we find your perversity and show the world the hypocritical bitch you are.

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