“I want to go to there”

I have a feeling this video pisses off starving people all over the world. Not only do we as Americans tend to be FUPA queens, but we will also eat nearly anything as long as it is deep fried or appears on a list of Oprah’s favorite things.  In fact, things are so good here in America, that even our animals eat better than the people of Malawi. However, considering the crap they are putting that gay couple through, I am tempted to say this cat is more deserving of a magical food adventure.

This Friskies commercials graces my screen every hour or so, it centers me, brings me calm and giddy excitement. This lucky cat is literally going on a journey to delicious and beyond. Imagine jumping through a magical portal, to be greeted by delectable dancing turkeys who can’t wait to be eaten. Then, just when you think things couldn’t get better, Fish Boat appears and whisks the cat away to an island where drumming chickens roll out the red carpet for him. Finally, as if to tempt the senses with impending overload, the cat gets to come back home where a delicious can of turkey squirt is waiting for him. I can think of worse ways to end the day.

Best video ever! Suck it Malawi.

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My God knows how to lay the pipe.

 

Well it looks like an Australian church is in hot water for creating and advertising an image that, some say, is offensive to the idea of God and Christianity. The image (above obviously) depicts Joseph in bed with Mary with the words “God was a hard act to follow” placed above it. Joseph looks dejected, which may or may not have anything to do with the fact that the person he is sleeping with is a woman, while Mary looks like she is wondering if she had left the gas on. I would assume she did.

I take offense to this ad for simple reasons of factual dishonesty. I was always told that God had a little dick, so obviously his sexual prowess is in question.

The image was supposedly created to spark a discussion about the creation of Jesus and to force people to consider the real meaning and history behind Christmas. Now, I am not a religion man in the slightest, but I would think there would be several choices above this that may serve their purposes more appropriately. Perhaps maybe an image of Baby Jesus getting his DNA tested, with the words “Real men stick around”, plastered above his head. Or even just a big question mark with the words, “Why the hell would you want to be a Christian” in bright bold letters?

I digress.

The ad is apparently causing a discussion, but it’s not the nature that the church had intended. The local radios have been inundated with callers, furious about the images while other Christians are calling it sexist. One man, who claims to hail from a “liberal” church, says that the image makes it seem that God is a male and his church strongly objects to that idea.

“How dare you make assumptions about my made up religion! My God’s vagina is going to be furious!”

In other words, they have no problem accepting the idea of a virgin birth or a Jewish carpenter, but the sexual bits of God are still up for debate. Awkward…

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“I Need A Handjob!”: The best commerical for the simplest product ever!

Handjob! Is the multi-grip system that everyone’s talking about! Are you feeling tired? Frustrated? Overwhelmed? Sounds like you need a Handjob!

Beware of sloppy imitations.  You could expect to pay up to $40 elsewhere.  But right now, you can experience all the pleasure and convenience of a genuine Handjob! for yourself for the low, low price of just $4.95 plus shipping and handling.

BUT WAIT!  Order now and receive a second Handjob! absolutely FREE!  That’s two Handjobs! for under 5 bucks!  You can’t beat it!  Keep one for yourself and give one to a friend…or keep them both! We won’t tell!

Click the “ORDER NOW” button to get yours! And remember, nothing says “I like you” this holiday season quite like the gift of a HandJob!

Handjob!  You deserve it!

The best part of this is it’s a real product.

The “Hand Job” which you can purchase here aids in tasks such as opening bottle tops and jars by gripping to the lid. The creators decided that despite the nature of the item, they’d give it a sexual name and make a hilarious and sexually suggestive ad in hopes that it would go viral.  Obviously it worked.  The ad is hilarious and definitely does its job.  I’m gonna get me a Handjob!

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Sexism strikes scrubbing bubbles, feminists everywhere demand the end of loofahs!

I happen to find this Method ad funny, albeit creepy.  I guess that’s because I am a lecherous pervert, out for fresh vagina, or at least that is what I am supposed to think. After so much politically correct enlightenment, I have come to the conclusion I may be an ass, considering I find most everything funny while realizing a large percent of the people around me do not.

In light of this constant stream of blubbering fecundity, I am going to start adding these politically humorous affronts to the blog.  From now on, all things offensive to those without a thick skin shall be found under this heading and they shall also share the good honor of lifting my spirits. That is, of course, unless booze can be found and in such case, the booze shall do the lifting and the blog shall go to shit.

 

Video after the jump!

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Watch: Creepy Orangina ads feature humanoid animals and fruity sex orgies.

I saw one of these ads last year and it bothered me for weeks. I found myself oddly attracted to the bear in the second video and it haunted me for too long. By odd chance, I came across it today as well as a few others. As far as I can tell, Orangina, is some sort of juice that is not only delicious, but makes you a slutty animal. Honestly… that is the extent of my assurance about this subject.

(More videos after the jump)

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Target’s Comedienne, Maria Bamford, mocks WASPs, her family and herself!

Today was the dreaded “Black Friday” and I’m sure most of you precious snow flakes were out beating the shit out of one another in search of iPhones and laptops to give to your fat, fat children.  If you were like me however, you were sitting comfortably at home, puking up last night’s leftovers in hopes of getting a jump start on that New Year’s resolution.  Remember kids, nothing beats skinny!

I’m sure most of you also saw Target’s Black Friday “Two Day Sale” ads starring Comedienne Maria Bamford over the past couple of weeks.  If not, screw you!  You probably think you’re too good for television or perhaps you subscribe to some silly religion that forbids watching TV.  You know the kind that frowns upon marrying ethnics and makes you churn your own butter or burn your underwear when your done with them.

For those of you who don’t know her, Maria Bamford is the quirky little blond lady with the strange voice(s) who can occasionally be found performing in the Comedians of Comedy Tour along side Ratatouille‘s Patton Oswalt, The Hangover’s Zach Galifianakis, Eugene Mirman (he recently replaced Galifianakis) and Brian Posehn.

The “War Room” commercial (seen below) is the first of about seven Target “Two Day Sale” commercials currently running.  Justice and I have been fans of Ms. Bamford for several years now and we were thrilled to finally see her utilizing her talents in a national commercial and not whoring herself out to E! Entertainment’s red carpet show or something equally lame like an ARMY ad. (I’m looking at you 3 Doors Down)

You can check out the other “Two Day Sale” ads here.

A couple of years back Maria Bamford had her own web series, a low budget, single camera show called “The Maria Bamford Show.”  The premise: After struggling to pursue her career as a stand-up comedian in Los Angeles, Maria suffers from a nervous breakdown while on stage and is forced to move back home to Duluth, Minnesota to live with her parents.  It’s definitely worth your time if you, like me, gravitate toward self deprecating humor.

Here are the first four episodes of The Maria Bamford Show.

You can catch the rest of the episodes on Youtube here as well as check out her official site.

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6′ 8″ woman arrives for photo shoot, considers eating smaller, more petite model as snack.

Have I mentioned lately that I HATE it when men are taller than me? Because, I really really hate it. When I see people that are taller than me, I want to walk up to them and say, “Oh you think you’re so cool because you happen to be taller than me?! Oh well you know what!? I don’t know you, I don’t know you! I don’t have to fucking impress you!”

There is nothing worse for a mans self esteem than to meet someone for the first time, only to realize upon closer proximity, that by the time you reach your new friend… your face will be firmly planted in their crotch. Sure, that sounds hot and depending on the guy, it can be, but what if I were meeting a fat guy? Or maybe one of those really flamboyant African Americans from France? You know… the gay ones? (shudder)

At 6’2″ (no matter what my friend Barry may say) I consider myself a relatively tall man AND if I roll out my dick and stand on it, that gives me another good foot or so of height. Honestly though, how appropriate is it for me to be doing that during a job interview?

“Hi, my name is Justice and I am here to sell digital cameras to poor people whose lives are so miserable, that they really shouldn’t be taking pictures of their sad existence to remember in the first place.”

“Why yes, that is my penis.”

“Thank you, I understand and will vacate the premises immediately.”

Meanwhile, as I am trying to paint an exciting lead up to this story, you are all imagining me naked. Which is really sad, because if you would simply email me, I would gladly send you some great photos. You really are sick people.

Anyway, this Amazon queen comes in at a staggering 6’8″ , while her petite munchkin model friend barely reaches her stomach. Amazon Eve, as this V looking woman goes by, took part this weekend in a photo shoot for the Australian magazine, Zoo Weekly. How terribly appropriate.

Enjoy the video below and after words, maybe you can tell me why they chose such sexy and seductive music.

Now that you have watched the video with their music, play it again but turn the volume all the way down and play this in the background.

YAY!!!!!!

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Mac users take over Window’s window at Saks Fifth Avenue store. Mac still overpriced.

I have decided that for every Mac or Apple post I write, I am going to add “Mac still overpriced” at the end. This will be my personal rallying cry against the computer company and its over the top pricing tiers. Most of you know that I am neither a Mac or Windows fan and I use what I can afford (Gateway anyone?) but when I see nerds get hard over their computer system of choice, something in me breaks.

I love nerds and all, but for some reason this fan boy shit makes me want to take off my pants and pee in someones face. (No, I am not taking requests)

Mac lovers and users have joined in harmony to hijack a Windows 7 based holiday display window at Saks Fifth Avenue in New York. The display includes a big computer monitor which displays the tweets of anyone who uses the hash tag #holidaywindows. First off… this was the stupidest idea in the world, considering no one was set up to read the incoming tweets. I am assuming Microsoft was smart enough to implement a system before hand, that would monitor and delete nefarious tweets, but it probably crashed.

With a free for all just waiting to happen, Mac users took to their twitters or twattles (whatever the hell that crap is called) and bombarded the Windows 7 display with a steam of pro Mac messages.

Ha… very clever. I can’t argue with the fact that Windows is a much less stable and shitty operating system, when compared to a Mac. However, Windows 7 has been a fresh of breath air for me. It came pre installed with my new laptop and although I have two BSOD already, I blame those on the Gateway. Windows also allows me a lot more customization and I never have to worry about whether or not a program, or file, will be compatible with it. That being said, I would gladly purchase an Apple machine for editing and design, if I didn’t have to sell my nuts for a decent entry level machine.

I could very well be a cheap bastard, but paying $1,700 for that pretty logo is about as logical as looking at naked ladies.

Gross

So.. the battle continues. Windows, Mac, you have both let me down and I am ashamed of both of you. Mac, go sit in the corner and get off your diamond throne and Windows, see a therapist.

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