All I want for Christmas is a naked midget.

There, I said it. We all have things we are ashamed to admit in public, well now I am guilt free. It could be the fact that it’s 6 am, that I am hungry or that I took a weird hairy pill I found under the fridge, but whatever the case may be, I felt like being honest.

Don’t you look at me like that.

Chris keeps asking me what I really want for Christmas and there it is. I want to open up a big old box, wrapped with a bow, only to find an elf inside. I am pretty sure he could pull this off, because I read somewhere that midgets don’t use as much air as us, so the box would be fine with one perfectly placed breathing hole.

I expect this for Christmas, let it be known.

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Ebay selling Levi Johnston role play costume. Nothing says sexy like slightly used crap.

The Christmas holiday is quickly approaching us and if you are anything like me, you have done very little shopping… if any. Maybe you have been busy, sick or plan on skipping it this year because you’re dirt poor and live off of cans of creamed corn. Sure, that sounds oddly specific and I know what you are thinking and the answer is yes! I applied for food stamps not less than 20 minutes ago. Hurrah for a richly lead life!

However, if you happen to be one of those rich bastards that I keep hearing about, you have the chance to own a piece of history. Of course by “rich” I mean, do you have $50 or so bucks to purchase the infamous hockey pieces used in the Levi Johnstons “Where’s the dick?” photo shoot?

The pieces, owned by Josh Koll are now up for sale on Ebay. Before we move forward, let’s take a second and re read that last sentence. Take your time.

(More images after the jump)

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Levi Johnston is naked AGAIN, people with bad taste get a chubby.

So, Levi Johnston has had a few extra images from his Playgirl shoot released. I won’t go into great detail about them, because you can see them for yourselves. I will say this however, I don’t feel ugly when I step out of the shower anymore. Apparently, I too can be a Playgirl model, all while not showing my junk.

Although his butt looks SLIGHTLY nicer in these shots, they are still nothing spectacular. I don’t want to come across like a perv, but if you’re going to get naked, you don’t leave your socks on and IF you leave your socks on, I want my money back.  Show us the wiener so I can move past this disappointing chapter in my life.

Do you ever see so much nudity and porn, that you just start to ignore it and find it all becomes just blah to you?

Yeah me neither.

I don’t want to post these images for copyright infringement precautions, although they are ALL OVER the Internet at this point. So I will link to them if you wish to feel a subtle amount of sexuality rush to your groin, only to give up half way and evaporate into a puddle of “eh”. However, since I was gone for so long and I am sure some of you are too busy to be searching for these dull drums, I will post one of them here for you. Yeah, I know… you love me. I will post what I consider to be the best shot. (Which isn’t saying much) Oh snap Levi! Picture after the jump.

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6′ 8″ woman arrives for photo shoot, considers eating smaller, more petite model as snack.

Have I mentioned lately that I HATE it when men are taller than me? Because, I really really hate it. When I see people that are taller than me, I want to walk up to them and say, “Oh you think you’re so cool because you happen to be taller than me?! Oh well you know what!? I don’t know you, I don’t know you! I don’t have to fucking impress you!”

There is nothing worse for a mans self esteem than to meet someone for the first time, only to realize upon closer proximity, that by the time you reach your new friend… your face will be firmly planted in their crotch. Sure, that sounds hot and depending on the guy, it can be, but what if I were meeting a fat guy? Or maybe one of those really flamboyant African Americans from France? You know… the gay ones? (shudder)

At 6′2″ (no matter what my friend Barry may say) I consider myself a relatively tall man AND if I roll out my dick and stand on it, that gives me another good foot or so of height. Honestly though, how appropriate is it for me to be doing that during a job interview?

“Hi, my name is Justice and I am here to sell digital cameras to poor people whose lives are so miserable, that they really shouldn’t be taking pictures of their sad existence to remember in the first place.”

“Why yes, that is my penis.”

“Thank you, I understand and will vacate the premises immediately.”

Meanwhile, as I am trying to paint an exciting lead up to this story, you are all imagining me naked. Which is really sad, because if you would simply email me, I would gladly send you some great photos. You really are sick people.

Anyway, this Amazon queen comes in at a staggering 6′8″ , while her petite munchkin model friend barely reaches her stomach. Amazon Eve, as this V looking woman goes by, took part this weekend in a photo shoot for the Australian magazine, Zoo Weekly. How terribly appropriate.

Enjoy the video below and after words, maybe you can tell me why they chose such sexy and seductive music.

Now that you have watched the video with their music, play it again but turn the volume all the way down and play this in the background.

YAY!!!!!!

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Adam Lambert to America, “I am not your babysitter.” CBS gets boner from lesbian kiss.

Adam Lambert sat down with some white woman on the Early Show and was impressively mature and intelligent. Not that I would think he would be anything other, but for as much as I post about him on here, I know very little about the man off  stage.

Adam held his own, in what appeared to be, a situation where the interviewer was attempting to push an agenda or hoping to make him feel guilty for his AMA performance. Once you watch the video, her bias is hard to ignore, but that could just be me paying attention and using my ears.. who knows?

When pressed about the issue Adam stated that he wasn’t a babysitter and that it was the job of the parents to be watching their own children, especially considering his performance appeared at almost 11 o clock at night. Parents in America are notorious for blaming television for the things that are being shown to their children, rarely taking responsibility for their child’s viewing habits.  This blame game reaches well beyond the gamut of live television or even sitcoms. Family Guy is often bombarded with this kind of lazy parenting and the show even references this from time to time.

Other than coming off non apologetic and intelligent, something else happened in this clip that you may have missed.

CBS blurred out the male on male kiss from Adam’s performance, but had no issue showing the Madonna/Britney incident from years earlier. This is even more noteworthy considering Adam draws attention to the apparent double standard in television and pop music, during his interview. CBS had responded to the double standard with this.

“We gave this some real thought. The Madonna image is very familiar and has appeared countless times including many times on morning television. The Adam Lambert image is a subject of great current controversy, has not been nearly as widely disseminated, and for all we know, may still lead to legal consequences.”

The logic behind this is questionable, simply being that if it was the act that was inappropriate and not the amount of times it was viewed, both images should have been deemed inappropriate. Homophobia is alive and well, no matter how often people attempt to paint Hollywood as a liberal bastion of gay sex. Trust me… it’s not. I lived there and I was rarely offered free homosexual sex… and you know I tried!

Gross.

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Video game characters have better sex than I do -or- Gay sex hits your PS3

These images may be NSFW, depending on your tastes. There is no nudity, but there is suggestive imagery. Scroll down at your own risk.

There has been a slow increase of gay characters and gay themes in video games of late.  Just this year the Sims 3 introduced the idea of gay marriage, although same sex relationships had been a part of the game mechanics since the original.

The last game I had played, in which you could make your character homosexual, was Fable. The ensuing sex scenes, although they faded to black, had some comical, if not misleading, audio. I have never once heard anyone utter the words, “Oh, it’s so big” to me during the act of love making. I have also never used the term “love making” before tonight.

This video is from Fable 2, but it illustrates the point.

However, all of that is old news as Dragon Age: Origins includes a full on sex scene. Yes… a gay sex scene.

“Dragon Age” is the name given to the time period in which the game takes place. It was named so because, at the beginning of the age, dragons re-appeared in the world after being thought extinct. The game is not all about dragons, though of course dragons do play a role in the story. Dragons are rare and dangerous creatures, and their fantastical nature is evocative of what our game is all about – hence the title.

The video is pretty graphic for a game, although it doesn’t show anything. It does, however, rely on a lot of suggestion.

After watching the video several questions had been answered for me. I had long believed all elves to be bottoms and now I know.

However. I am left with one question?

Are all of the Elves in Dragon Age from the gayest part of Spain? If so… boo.

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ABC gets 1,500 complaints about Adam Lambert, no one notices the rest of the peash-tacular night.

Apparently Adam Lambert has caused a “moderate” controversy at ABC, provoking the hand of sexually repressed Americans to call the network and complain. ABC stated that around 1,500 calls were made to the station to complain about the racy and inappropriate nature of his performance, all the while seemingly forgetful that the rest of the night had been loaded with skin tight vaginas and sexually explicit acts by several other performers. However, it seems that in America, female pop stars can be freely objectified and openly sexual, but a man (let alone a gay man) can not.

I wrote an extensive post about the event last night and while I didn’t care for his act and found the over the top nature boring, I don’t think it warrants calling a televisions network. If you are stupid enough to watch a pop music show and expect to see Jesus and Bob Dole, you’re an idiot. Anyone with a pair of functioning eyes and a short term memory can tell you that pop music is nothing more than sex, plastic and shit. Hell, Helen Keller has a firmer grasp on reality than these twits. No, you know what? Twit is not nearly strong enough a word for them, I say we create a new term. A term that broadly defines sexually repressed people, working under the assumption that theirs is the only acceptable view of life, all the while hypocritically calling out certain individuals and leaving others alone.

I say we call them cunt knucklers.

America needs to get over their fear of sexuality, but Adam better hope he has another chance at a solid career. I have not read this many bad reviews for a performance since Britney Spears did that half assed dance a few years back.

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Edward Cullen wants to be inside of you… ewww

Does this picture do something for you? Do you find yourself running your sausage like fingers down your quivering thighs, trembling as they slowly make their way past that empty Dorito’s bag, tub of cake frosting and undigested cat food pieces, only to realize your imagination craves more? No…demands more?

Well fret no more my socially awkward sugar monkeys! Tantrus Direct has heard your Indigo Girls flavored calls and has the goods to  make your fantasy a sick and lonely reality.

Introducing the Tantrus Vamp, a dildo with shimmering skin, made to mimic the ultra heterosexual rainbow faggotry of Mr. Cullen himself. Yes, that’s right. You too could soon find yourself spending less time on Vampire Wars and more time passed out in your futon, furious stabbing your peash with a vampiric vibrator.

I am sure that months of furious diddling with book in hand, has all but destroyed what little imagination you once had. Never to fear, Tantrus is here to deliver once more with this stunning video, showcasing the high quality workmanship of your new best friend.

Now, if you are like me and feel that major purchases are best made after doing proper research, then let me set your heart at east. Just listen to this customer feedback, which is sadly not of my doing. Seriously… someone wrote this.

OMG! I LOVE the Twilight Series so much! This dildo is great because one minute I shut my eyes and pretend I am screwing Edward with his cold, sparkling, marble cock; then the next, I warm it up and pretend Jacob is doing me from behind [you know, DOGGY STYLE! LOLZ!!!] I have multiples because sometimes I like to pretend they are both ravishing my body at the same time. Also, I like to tie them to my cats and pretend they are were-vamp-kitties! I just wish a balls were included with the shaft, so that Edward and Jacob could take turns tea-bagging me…another good idea is to hold your hand in ice water for a bit, and then you can act like Edward is giving you a donkey punch as well!

This is just all so hot! Fie on this blog, I intent on purchasing this excellent product and burying it deep within my loins.

Yes… my loins.

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