ABC gets 1,500 complaints about Adam Lambert, no one notices the rest of the peash-tacular night.

The first time I see a gay kiss on tv and it's these two. Blarg.

Apparently Adam Lambert has caused a “moderate” controversy at ABC, provoking the hand of sexually repressed Americans to call the network and complain. ABC stated that around 1,500 calls were made to the station to complain about the racy and inappropriate nature of his performance, all the while seemingly forgetful that the rest of the night had been loaded with skin tight vaginas and sexually explicit acts by several other performers. However, it seems that in America, female pop stars can be freely objectified and openly sexual, but a man (let alone a gay man) can not.

I wrote an extensive post about the event last night and while I didn’t care for his act and found the over the top nature boring, I don’t think it warrants calling a televisions network. If you are stupid enough to watch a pop music show and expect to see Jesus and Bob Dole, you’re an idiot. Anyone with a pair of functioning eyes and a short term memory can tell you that pop music is nothing more than sex, plastic and shit. Hell, Helen Keller has a firmer grasp on reality than these twits. No, you know what? Twit is not nearly strong enough a word for them, I say we create a new term. A term that broadly defines sexually repressed people, working under the assumption that theirs is the only acceptable view of life, all the while hypocritically calling out certain individuals and leaving others alone.

I say we call them cunt knucklers.

America needs to get over their fear of sexuality, but Adam better hope he has another chance at a solid career. I have not read this many bad reviews for a performance since Britney Spears did that half assed dance a few years back.

Edward Cullen wants to be inside of you… ewww

It's like he is my own personal brand of cocaine.

Does this picture do something for you? Do you find yourself running your sausage like fingers down your quivering thighs, trembling as they slowly make their way past that empty Dorito’s bag, tub of cake frosting and undigested cat food pieces, only to realize your imagination craves more? No…demands more?

Well fret no more my socially awkward sugar monkeys! Tantrus Direct has heard your Indigo Girls flavored calls and has the goods to  make your fantasy a sick and lonely reality.

Introducing the Tantrus Vamp, a dildo with shimmering skin, made to mimic the ultra heterosexual rainbow faggotry of Mr. Cullen himself. Yes, that’s right. You too could soon find yourself spending less time on Vampire Wars and more time passed out in your futon, furious stabbing your peash with a vampiric vibrator.

Hold tight spider monkey

I am sure that months of furious diddling with book in hand, has all but destroyed what little imagination you once had. Never to fear, Tantrus is here to deliver once more with this stunning video, showcasing the high quality workmanship of your new best friend.

Now, if you are like me and feel that major purchases are best made after doing proper research, then let me set your heart at east. Just listen to this customer feedback, which is sadly not of my doing. Seriously… someone wrote this.

OMG! I LOVE the Twilight Series so much! This dildo is great because one minute I shut my eyes and pretend I am screwing Edward with his cold, sparkling, marble cock; then the next, I warm it up and pretend Jacob is doing me from behind [you know, DOGGY STYLE! LOLZ!!!] I have multiples because sometimes I like to pretend they are both ravishing my body at the same time. Also, I like to tie them to my cats and pretend they are were-vamp-kitties! I just wish a balls were included with the shaft, so that Edward and Jacob could take turns tea-bagging me…another good idea is to hold your hand in ice water for a bit, and then you can act like Edward is giving you a donkey punch as well!

This is just all so hot! Fie on this blog, I intent on purchasing this excellent product and burying it deep within my loins.

Yes… my loins.

Levi Johnston is a cock tease.

I have a feeling this sausage will be more erotic than Levi's playgirl spread. Ha ha, I just said spread.

Well, it looks like none of us are going to see the willy from wasilly.

I will be the first to admit I was looking forward to seeing this (I may be some sort of sexual deviant), but it looks as if Levi isn’t done letting people down. First the Palins and now America’s vast network of gays, lonely house wives, priests and Torrid shoppers. You know, this really grinds my gears.

First, you come all up in here with your stupid corn fed look, which we all know gets me everytime, then you start talking about how Sarah Palin is an idiot, further turning me on. You spend some time around gay icons like Kathy Griffin and yourself and then you tease us all with this Playgirl shoot. Sure, I will admit it, I was going to go and buy the magazine and hide it from my wife, maybe convince her I was just going out to the garage with a dirty magazine to fix the oil engine or whatever the hell makes a car drive… and then this.

In a statement posted on Gawker, spokesman Daniel Nardicio said the following about Levi and his manager:

“He did not give ‘full-frontal’ as his manager Tank Jones reported he would. We’re thrilled with the photos we got, and are confident people will love them. Although there may be glimpses, we did not get full on frontal nudity.”

There will be a hockey stick.

A hockey stick? Are you serious? A hockey stick? That’s about as sexually enticing as mentioning that other phallic objects will be in the shot with his non penis.

“Yeah dude, I hear Angelina Jolie is going to pose nude in Playboy. There won’t be any actual full frontal nudity, but I hear she is going to be covered in squash and cucumbers.”

I am a vegetarian (this week at least) but that means no animal meat, it doesn’t mean I can’t gawk and 165 lbs of Alaskan white trash.

Oh well, I guess I could always get a hobby and stop being such a pervert.

You know what? Screw that.

Oh look at me, I am sooo good looking.

Levi Johnston is going to show you his penis and by “you”, I mean “Yes Please”.

It is official, Levi Johnston’s playgirl shoot is going to show us “more than we were expecting”. As I was expecting him to be photographed mid homo coitus, I count myself as mildly excited. This is nothing personal towards Levi, even though he is a rather good looking guy. It has everything to do with the fact that I enjoy seeing most anyone naked. Except of course, myself. Shudder…

We unfortunately have to wait a whole week before the issue is available for purchase, but I may just leave my dark blogging den to go and purchase said nudity. I have this odd fantasy in my mind that his penis has a hunters cap and a camo jacket on, rendering it invisible. At first you would think this would ruin the fantasy, but that just shows you are unimaginative and no one wants to sleep with you. I know, I asked and everyone replied, “Hell no, they suck.”

Nothing says sexy like, ‘Hey, where did your penis go?”.

See? Two men, one shirtless and one naked. This is gay and disgusting.

Seriously though. I think I have a man crush. There is something about big, dumb, corn fed guys that make me wish I still had a vagina.