Auto Tune your Facebook status!

Sony and Facebook have collaborated to help you usher in the last few moments of  Auto Tune’s popularity. As this tired and overdone Internet meme reaches it’s final relevant countdown, you can now Auto Tune your Facebook status. The results are pretty weak and it doesn’t always sound the way it should, but it makes for an enjoyable escape from your job… That is if you are lucky enough to still have a job. In which cause, I say screw you.

Head on over here to give it a try. If you find out your computerized voice isn’t saying your words correctly, try spelling them phonetically and if you don’t know what phonetically means, why the shit are you on my blog?

Elderly man turns house into yule time shrine to dead wife

I make crazy look like something out of quirky Indie movie.

Well folks, now that Thanksgiving is over Christmas can officially begin, that is, unless you’re one of those overzealous tards who put their tree up the day after Halloween.  I hate those kind of people.  They ruin everything.  They’re the same kind of people who buy toiletry travel kits for their kids and burn Harry Potter books.  So know this, if you are one of those kind of people, I hate you.

Anyway, for those of you who don’t know me, I hail from San Antonio, Texas.  Ah yes Texas, the Lone Star state.  The state for good ol’ boys, real Americans and steers and queers.  Everything is big down in Texas and the holidays are no exception.  Down in San Antonio there is a wonderful, magical, festive display of pure oddity yet immense love and its in the form of Ed Clark’s Christmas House.  That’s right, Ed Clark’s Christmas House!  Located on the north east edge of San Antonio, Ed Clark’s Christmas House has become an annual tradition for locals, tourists, lovers of Christmas and fans of anything that is bizarre. (More pictures after the jump).

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Target’s Comedienne, Maria Bamford, mocks WASPs, her family and herself!

Today was the dreaded “Black Friday” and I’m sure most of you precious snow flakes were out beating the shit out of one another in search of iPhones and laptops to give to your fat, fat children.  If you were like me however, you were sitting comfortably at home, puking up last night’s leftovers in hopes of getting a jump start on that New Year’s resolution.  Remember kids, nothing beats skinny!

I’m sure most of you also saw Target’s Black Friday “Two Day Sale” ads starring Comedienne Maria Bamford over the past couple of weeks.  If not, screw you!  You probably think you’re too good for television or perhaps you subscribe to some silly religion that forbids watching TV.  You know the kind that frowns upon marrying ethnics and makes you churn your own butter or burn your underwear when your done with them.

For those of you who don’t know her, Maria Bamford is the quirky little blond lady with the strange voice(s) who can occasionally be found performing in the Comedians of Comedy Tour along side Ratatouille‘s Patton Oswalt, The Hangover’s Zach Galifianakis, Eugene Mirman (he recently replaced Galifianakis) and Brian Posehn.

The “War Room” commercial (seen below) is the first of about seven Target “Two Day Sale” commercials currently running.  Justice and I have been fans of Ms. Bamford for several years now and we were thrilled to finally see her utilizing her talents in a national commercial and not whoring herself out to E! Entertainment’s red carpet show or something equally lame like an ARMY ad. (I’m looking at you 3 Doors Down)

You can check out the other “Two Day Sale” ads here.

A couple of years back Maria Bamford had her own web series, a low budget, single camera show called “The Maria Bamford Show.”  The premise: After struggling to pursue her career as a stand-up comedian in Los Angeles, Maria suffers from a nervous breakdown while on stage and is forced to move back home to Duluth, Minnesota to live with her parents.  It’s definitely worth your time if you, like me, gravitate toward self deprecating humor.

Here are the first four episodes of The Maria Bamford Show.

You can catch the rest of the episodes on Youtube here as well as check out her official site.

ABC: America’s go to station for teaching women to shut the hell up, or else.

Ewww

Yay!

ABC’s “Good Morning America” is sending some  crazy mixed messages these days.

First they cancelled Adam Lambert’s performance because of all the homosexual juice he was spraying around all willy nilly and now they offer convicted domestic abuse fan, Chris Brown, an interview AND a live performance. The best part of this roller coaster of stupidity is that when contacted about the apparent homophobia, ABC had this to say.

“He (Adam Lambert) was not canceled over a gay kiss. He showed himself to be unpredictable on live TV.”

In other words, ABC is unsure whether or not Adam Lambert will start fisting patrons, but are positively assured that Chris Brown will start beating random woman. Classy ABC, classy.

ABC is hoping for the same ratings boost that Rihanna gave them during her Diane Sawyer interview, in which she described Chris Brown as soulless, when he was beating her silly.

Brown, who taped his interview with Roberts last weekend, was sentenced in August to six months’ labor and five years’ probation after he pleaded guilty to assaulting Rihanna in February.

The top ABC insider added: “Chris Brown’s interview was booked way before Adam Lambert took to the stage. It is to give him a chance to respond to Rihanna’s interview.

What exactly is there to respond to?

“Did you beat her?”

“Yes”

Interview over.

If you would like to call ABC and voice your displeasure or possibly recommend some other domestic abusers, feel free.

ABC Audience Relations
1-212-456-7477

Palin gets punk’d…. again.

Canadian comedy show, “This hour has 22 minutes” has punk’d the gullible former Governor. Shocker…

The talk show sent its star, Mary Walsh, in character as “Marg Delahunty” in the hopes of getting Sarah to say something about the Canadian system of Health Care or something generally stupid on any subject. Never one to disappoint, Palin had this to say.

“Keep the faith” Palin said, “because common sense conservatism can be plugged in there in Canada too. In fact, Canada needs to reform its health care system and let the private sector take over some of what the government has absorbed.”

According to Mary, no one was allowed to ask any questions of Palin, even when having their book signed by her. Which is rather odd, considering how much “common sense you betchas” the woman carries around.

Awkward.

According to a recent poll, 90% of Canadians approve of their Health Care system, with a large majority thinking theirs is better than the U.S. despite the constant groans about waiting times for non emergency surgery.

6′ 8″ woman arrives for photo shoot, considers eating smaller, more petite model as snack.

Have I mentioned lately that I HATE it when men are taller than me? Because, I really really hate it. When I see people that are taller than me, I want to walk up to them and say, “Oh you think you’re so cool because you happen to be taller than me?! Oh well you know what!? I don’t know you, I don’t know you! I don’t have to fucking impress you!”

There is nothing worse for a mans self esteem than to meet someone for the first time, only to realize upon closer proximity, that by the time you reach your new friend… your face will be firmly planted in their crotch. Sure, that sounds hot and depending on the guy, it can be, but what if I were meeting a fat guy? Or maybe one of those really flamboyant African Americans from France? You know… the gay ones? (shudder)

At 6’2″ (no matter what my friend Barry may say) I consider myself a relatively tall man AND if I roll out my dick and stand on it, that gives me another good foot or so of height. Honestly though, how appropriate is it for me to be doing that during a job interview?

“Hi, my name is Justice and I am here to sell digital cameras to poor people whose lives are so miserable, that they really shouldn’t be taking pictures of their sad existence to remember in the first place.”

“Why yes, that is my penis.”

“Thank you, I understand and will vacate the premises immediately.”

Meanwhile, as I am trying to paint an exciting lead up to this story, you are all imagining me naked. Which is really sad, because if you would simply email me, I would gladly send you some great photos. You really are sick people.

Anyway, this Amazon queen comes in at a staggering 6’8″ , while her petite munchkin model friend barely reaches her stomach. Amazon Eve, as this V looking woman goes by, took part this weekend in a photo shoot for the Australian magazine, Zoo Weekly. How terribly appropriate.

Obviously, I blame the Jews for this.

Enjoy the video below and after words, maybe you can tell me why they chose such sexy and seductive music.

Now that you have watched the video with their music, play it again but turn the volume all the way down and play this in the background.

YAY!!!!!!

Catholic Child Abuse: Decades of Disease

According to a recent report, authorized by the government of Ireland, the Catholic  Church in Dublin has been covering up the crimes of its priests for decades. Child abuse, rape and molestation have all been committed under the watchful eye of the church and its figure heads. Individuals who felt they could control the systemic problem by dealing with it in their own way, fully acknowledging they had broken both civil and canon law.

Dublin Archbishop Diarmuid Martin, who handed over more than 60,000 previously secret church files to the three-year investigation, said he felt deep shame and sorrow for how previous archbishops presided over endemic child abuse – yet claimed afterward not to understand the gravity of their sins.

The church has a widely accepted stance against homosexuality and abortion, which they consider to be immoral acts, much more dangerous than “average” sin. (Even though the Bible clearly states no sin is greater than another.) Then again, I suppose you would have to read the whole thing to really grasp that concept and let’s be honest, the Bible is boring as hell.

The report included 46 priests who had a total of 320 complaints documented against them, with one priest admitting he molested over 100 children, while police have a feeling it was much more. Another case involved a priest who had admitted he molested a child every two weeks for nearly 25 years. Several of these priests were convicted of their crimes, albeit decades after they had been accused and 14 of them passed away before ever being held accountable. Astonishingly, 6 of them are currently still active priests. However, I think we can all agree that child abuse is acceptable, as long as we stop gay marriage.

Three Dublin archbishops – John Charles McQuaid (1940-72), Dermot Ryan (1972-84) and Kevin McNamara (1985-87) – did not tell police about clerical abuse cases, instead opting to avoid public scandals by shuttling offenders from parish to parish and even overseas to U.S. churches, the commission found.

It was not until 1995 that then-Archbishop Connell allowed police to see church files on 17 clerical abuse cases. At that time, Connell actually held records of complaints against at least 29 priests, the report found. Connell later pursued a lawsuit against the investigators in an abandoned bid to keep them from seeing more than 5,500 files documenting the church’s knowledge of abusive priests.

The report said all four archbishops sought “the maintenance of secrecy, the avoidance of scandal, the protection of the reputation of the church, and the preservation of its assets. All other considerations, including the welfare of children and justice for victims, were subordinated to these priorities.”

The investigators lauded a handful of priests and mostly low-ranking police who pursued complaints and prosecutions, almost always unsuccessfully, from the 1960s to the 1980s.

Senior police officers “clearly regarded priests as being outside their remit” and handed “complaints to the archdiocese instead of investigating them,” the report said.

The best part of all of this hypocrisy is that I just recieved this is in my email from the Catholic News Agency

I guess Jesus was a hypocrite and God is a child molester.

Read the entire article at The Huffington Post

When children get hurt – A closets revenge.

I know that you all come here for exciting political and pop culture news, but screw that noise. It’s nice to spice things up a bit and by “spice things up a bit”, I mean watch children get hurt.

Maybe I am a horrible person, but to me, there is nothing more hilarious than a child getting hurt. Now… I don’t mean actually getting hurt in the sense that they have to go to the hospital (although from time to time the situations leading up to that can be hilarious x 10), but when it’s scraps, bruises and tumbles… well I just lose it!

Spare me any of that, “once you have children you will have a different take on this” bull crap. I will always think this stuff is funny and plan on rigging my house up like a giant version of Mouse Trap, so I can film my children and their daily demise.