Lady Gaga’s telephone video is… well it’s a video

I was hoping to blog about this the day that it came out, but seeing that I started back up yesterday, well I didn’t. Back off… geez.

I was not a fan of the Gaga at first, as I have said many times before, but she continues to capture my attention. I wasn’t even really a fan of this song, I didn’t even know it was her when I first heard it actually. However, thanks to this bizarre video I am having trouble getting the damn jingle out of my head. The video absolutely makes no sense and at several times I found myself uncomfortable watching it. Not because the video was too much for me, but because it was so odd I was embarrassed for the people involved in it. I also happened to enjoy the portrayal of the butch lesbians that filled the prison. It was like an army of small town bull dykes auditioned for the video and the director said, “Fuck it, why not.”

Besides the fact that it is really long for a music video, it is also loaded with product placement. I could not tell if it was satire of just bad production design, but I do know one thing. The scene where she makes the sandwich is the best thing I have seen all year. I have been eating sandwiches for the past 4 days because of this video and every time I make one, I do the little dance only to realize it is these little things that will assure my single status in life.

Overall, interesting video, even if I have no idea what’s going on. I have noticed something while this video has been making the rounds, gay men LOVE IT. They don’t just love it, but they think it is the most amazing thing that has ever been created since whatever it was they loved 30 minutes before that.

“OMG IT’S SO WEIRD AND DIFFERENT! I AM WEIRD AND DIFFERENT! IT’S ABOUT ME!”

Zing!

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Lady Gaga – Telephone (Indie Remix)

I love these guys, they never fail to deliver.

I am a fan of the Gaga and I don’t care what you say about that. She tickles my pickle and seeing how that is the gayest thing I have ever said, I owe you nothing else.

This indie remix of Telephone, by Pomplamoose Music, will brighten your day and cause explosive diarrhea… of joy!

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“God hates Lady Gaga” claims Fred Phelps. “I hate Fred Phelps” claims everyone else.

Good ol’ Fred Phelps is at it again!

He and his Westboro Baptist “church” members have set their sights on the pop/performance artist Lady Gaga claiming she is some kind of evil, senseless whore who was sent forth to turn our younger generation’s hearts and minds away from God and toward her glittery peash.   All I can say is, wow.

Phelps’ church is currently in the midst of a campaign against Lady Gaga stating in a recent press statement their intentions to picket Lady Gaga’s next performance in St. Louis, MO on January 7.

“Thou hadst a whore’s forehead, thou refusedst to be ashamed…Will He reserve HIs anger forever? Will he keep it to the end? Behold, thou hast spoken and done evil things as thou couldest.” Jer 3:3,5

“Art” and “fashion” are the euphemisms, the guise under which proud whore Lady Gaga teaches rebellion against God (incidentally, her claim to the title of “lady” is sound only if she tacks on “of the night,” thereby alluding to another euphemism of what she is.) As much as she’d like to pretend otherwise, there’s nothing new or different about this particular hussy’s pretentious prancing. Does the simple slut truly think that she can change God’s standards by seducing a generation of rebels into joining her in fist-raised, stiff-necked, hard-hearted rebellion against Him? Get real!

Even as she gives lip-service to “liberating” her young fans, Lady Gaga brings them into slavery to their own corruption, teaching them to glory in their shame. She hates you! “For when they speak great swelling words of vanity, they allure through the lusts of the flesh, through much wantonness…While they promise them liberty, they themselves are the servants of corruption!” 2 Pet. 2:18-19

YOU’RE GOING TO HELL.

(more…)

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Before there was Gaga, there was Germanotta

I have inundated you with enough Lady Gag tonight and I am sure my friend Jen is going to see this as further proof that I really love Lady Gaga, no matter how much I furiously deny it. What can I say? Lady Gaga is our goddess!

Performing at NYU’s Ultraviolet Live talent contest. She came in 3rd place.

This is a video of her singing with her band, live at The Bitter End on January 20th, 2006.

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AMA recap. Yeah, like you give a shit.

In what ended up being a glorified crotch thrusting fuck-o-rama, the 2009 American Music Awards finished fisting America with a glam dazzled, flim frazzled moment of, “Wait, what?”.

I spent the evening watching the television event with my mother, only because I had heard Janet Jackson was going to be opening and even that performance left me a little unfulfilled. I really wanted her opening act to be amazing, because I am a huge Janet fan, but it seemed to fall short. It wasn’t a bad performance and the woman can still dance and entertain like few in her field, but it felt slightly lacking in totality. I believe the final song she g was off of her upcoming album, which was probably the lowest point of the routine. More All4U damn it!

OK enough of that faggotry and on to the rest of the night.

I am not a huge follower of pop culture, so I don’t know much about what teenagers think is cool, but if tonights line up was any indication of it, America is fast becoming a zombie nation of tightly covered vaginas and staggeringly gay looking male back up dancers. Now there is nothing “wrong” with looking gay of course, just as there is supposedly nothing “wrong” with being black, but I think it’s safe to say it’s not a good look. The picture below illustrates the nights performances perfectly.

 

Let’s start this adventure with the best performances of the night, at least this way your brain knows some pleasure, before it becomes inundated with the overpowering feeling of shititude that the night continued to offer.

Lady Gaga

Lady Gaga is going to become the Andy Kaufman of our generation, whether for better or worse. I will admit that I did not understand Lady Gaga when I first saw her, but I have convinced myself she is not so much a pop star as she is a performance artist. I happen to know she is also very talented and has an impressive vocal range, as evident by the video below. I am not a big fan of this Lover’s Revenge song, or whatever it’s called, but it’s catchy and the bastard is still bouncing around in my head. I thought her outfit was bizarre and entertaining as usual and happened to enjoy that she looked like she was covered in Ace bandages. I also thank her for not shoving her peash in my face like most everyone else had during the night.

Janet Jackson

Janet’s performance, while not my favorite was still enjoyable to watch. I already went into enough detail about the highs and lows of it, but watch it yourself. I SAID WATCH IT!

Alicia Keys

Alicia Keys and Jay-Z were great. I happen to love Empire State of Mind and as usual, her voice was beautiful. Jay-Z brought it like he always does and they complemented each other nicely. This was one of my favorite performances of the night.

Alicia Keys and Jay-Z performing “Empire State of Mind”.

Nelly Furtado, Timberland, Soshy

Nelly Furtado, Timberland and something called a “Soshy” came out and performed “Morning After Dark”. The performance wasn’t bad and the song is catchy enough, although I don’t really care for it. Being that it’s Timberland, I didn’t expect a great performance as much as I did a good song. I do love Nelly Furtado though, so her appearance knocked it over the line for me.

Kelly Clarkson

Kelly Clarkson is a talented singer and we all know it, but what makes her even more unique is that she didn’t feel the need to shove her peash into my face all night, while singing about giving it to me or sticking something up me. The song was beautiful, her voice was flawless and she looked great. I don’t have much else to say, but bravo Kelly.

…like she reads this blog… what a dumb faggot.

That’s about it for memorable performances, in the sense that I am using the word memorable as a positive. Oh snap!

Let’s move on to the train wrecks, the awkward and the “What the hell is this crap?”

The Crap of the night

Jennifer Lopez

 

Jennifer Lopez… I will say this. I was surprised to see she was still around. I was under the impression she had agreed to a silent and unpublished exit from music. I happened to enjoy her first two CD’s and some of her first handful of songs were great. I hadn’t seen her around in a while, so when she showed up on stage I thought, “Oh  great, she is lost. This is going to be awkward.” I couldn’t have been more correct.

Her song was pretty craptacular, but the real fun came when she fell flat on her butt in the performance. It was edited out during the west coast broadcast, but you know I have your back. I wont embed the actual performance here, but here is the fall. It’s nothing hilarious, but it’s far more entertaining than her Rocky Balboa song.

She also reminded me of Dot Matrix from Space Balls

Ok I lied. Here is her performance.

She falls.

Whitney Houston

Whitney, Whitney, Whitney…. I am sad to say this, but I think it’s over. The song, something about beating back the beast of crack, was about as boring as a Sarah Palin read a thon. There were no notes that seemed to reach beyond her limited range and she did more “talk singing” than actual sing singing. I don’t remember much, except thinking, “I hope she says something about Bobby Brown and then dives into the crowd like a crazed drunk.” I had conceived myself that her massive diamond earrings were priovindg her with an IV of liquid cocaine, but alas it seemed to have been morphine. I know that beating drugs is a big deal and blah blah blah and I am glad she has her life together, but the old Whitney is gone.

I was hoping to see this…

Instead, we got this.

Rhianna

I really enjoy Rhianna and most of her songs have a great beat and are catchy. I know she is young and she is trying to find out her place in all of this, but tonights performance looked like she had been turned into a lesbian robot with a personal vendetta against my ears. I don’t know what that song was about, but it reminded me of the Matrix except none of us  had the chance to take the other pill.

Alicia Keys

Alicia Keys performed a second time during the night and carried on with the ‘Look at my vagina” them of the night. She wore a perfectly placed silver locket that drew your eyes to the peash and I couldn’t stop looking. The only time I noticed I wasn’t looking at her vagina, was when I thought some rapist had climbed the brick wall she was dancing by, in a snaky attempt to mug her. It was really awkward and looked creepy.

It probably didn’t help that she starts the performance out with a video of her propelling herself into the sky with purple fart dust. That could  just be me though.

Shakira

I was a HUGE Shakira fan when she was still singing her Colombian music. Ojos Asi and “Tu” are some of my favorite songs of all time. Sadly, like most musicians that get to big, she has become plastic crap. First of all, she looks like she is starving, if she really is a she wolf than someone needs to get the pack of McDonald’s. She sang some horrible song about, well I don’t have any idea honestly, I wasn’t listening after the first few seconds. All I can remember is a catchy clap track played over someone playing an 8 bit video game system. The dancing was entertaining, but the song had no soul or passion. She might as well have been singing about her car insurance or her vagina.

The Black Eyed Peas

The Black Eyed Peas…. eh. For some reason I have the feeling that Will.I.Am takes himself too seriously and while this song isn’t bad, I think the Black Eyed Peas get far too much attention, especially considering I felt Kings of Leon should have beaten them out. Feel free to watch the video below and disagree with me, and by “disagree”, I mean shut up.

Carrie Underwood

Apparently Carrie Underwood is someone real and she sings something called country music. Whatever that is. Carrie came out in some tight gold granny panties, once again carrying the, “look at my peash” theme of the night. I am all for open and free sexuality, but it seems that our country and music industry can’t do anything anymore unless it involves thrusting crotches and skin tight assholes. The entire night was just one big flesh factory and I couldn’t stop myself from wondering what the hell a Carrie Underwood was and why I was supposed to want to see her in gold spandex.

Adam Lambert

Adam Lambert was probably the most disappointing performance of the night, just because I expected so much from him. He sang a song about entertaining you, which couldn’t have been more ironic. Unless of course he meant entertainment in the sense that I find it entertaining when I see children with diabetes walking through the grocery store with arm fulls of candy and sweets. For the record, I DON’T find that entertaining… most of the time.

Adam had a chance to really take a great step forward at the start of his career, instead he just ran around singing some god awful song that was not created for his voice or his genre. Meanwhile, men and woman gyrated around him and he awkwardly pretending to be unbiased on sexuality by fondling some chicks crotch. I did however, find it awesome that he kissed some guy on stage and plenty of fundie are flipping out about this. If the performance and song had been good, then I am sure this would have gotten him the same attention Britney and Madonna received when they locked lips. However, the whole piece was gaudy and busy, just short of being horrible.

He did fall at some point during the performance, or at least looked like he did. That was pretty fun. Check out the performance below and decide for yourself.

If you watch this clip, they play the “trip” in slow motion. It’s hard to tell if it was planned or if it was an accident, but it seems to be an accident. Whatever the case, he recovered like a professional, so if it was an accident, good on ya Adam. NOW GIVE ME MY 3 MINUTES BACK!

All in all this was a pretty blase night of “musical acts”. Green Day did something near the end and for Green Day they seemed pretty uninterested in being there. Although, I have to say they looked damn good for their age. As usual, they are great musicians, but Billy missed a rather noticeable note at the end and there was a moment of awkwardness. Eh, no one is perfect. Eminem did something as well, but I had decided that he died a few years back, so when he came out on the stage in that same tired swagger, my mind convinced me I had traveled back in time and was watching MTV in a dimension where MTV played music, in the hopes that I wouldn’t go crazy from seeing a supposed dead person live, on stage.

Was that a run on sentence?

Oh yeah, Michael Jackson won a bunch of awards for dying.

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Love Game – Lady Gaga… kinda

OK, first off, before you watch this… you must know one thing. I was not this fat looking in that costume. The video file has been squished so it just makes me APPEAR to be fat with a muffin top. However, I do want you to think my legs are really that large. So either way I am fat with muscular legs or skinny with no muscle at all. Depending on your physical preference, you imagine me as you wish when you shower tonight.

God, you are really sick. Is there no level to which you will not stoop? Tacky, just tacky.

Later on, we enjoyed other frivolities and danced the night away. I continued to look like an orbiting body.

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Lady Gaga and other Halloween hideousness

Well, Halloween 2009 has come and gone and it was a pleasant enough experience. Chris and I had started the week off unsure as to what we were going to be doing Halloween night, beside the possible excursion to my sisters house. We figured it would get boring there after a while (they wanted to play bunco… ooh scary) and so we decided to look around for something to do around 10, giving us an excuse to leave before they started filling out their AARP membership cards.

We had spent nearly a week looking for costume ideas and we were unable to think of anything on the cheap. Being that we are operating at the poverty level, Halloween was going to be tight, or sparse. Either way, it was going to suck. Hazzah for holiday spirit!

I had originally wanted to go as Max, from where the wild things are, only because I wanted an excuse to sew. Now, I don’t sew very well at all, so if anything I would have gone as “Clothes and fur fabric wrapped over fat guy.” It’s a look, if nothing else. Thankfully, Chris pointed out, just how unoriginal I was being and we all know how I hate a lack of originality. (Says the gay guy with a snaky liberal blog)

I was tempted to go as Patsy from Absolutely Fabulous again and Chris was going to be my Edina, but sadly we couldn’t find a red pubic wig for Chris. I was hell bent on dressing up as a woman ONLY if I wasn’t the only one doing so.  So naturally, when Chris said he was going as Adam Lambert instead, I figured I would go as Lady Gage. Eh, I forgot.

We spent 80 bucks at the local Halloween store and went home to try on the hideous outfits. It was glori0us.

When Halloween night was upon us we spent several hours shaving and painting up our faces to look either gothic or bat shit crazy. I know very little about make up, other than I hate wearing it, so when it came to do my eye liner and eye makeup, I just starting jabbing my fingers into the makeup tubs like a fat kid at the M&M factory.  At least that’s what I did when I was there. Don’t you fucking judge me.

I looked hideous, Chris looked hideous and we walked out the door. The rest follows. Pray you spend little time in their terrific embrace, lest their images be burnt into your mind.

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